Still youthful charms you in his spouse might trace; The weather injured solely had her face, But not the features which were perfect yet: Some wish perhaps more blooming belles to get; The rustick truly me would ne'er have pleased; But such are oft by country parsons seized, Who low amours and dishes coa.r.s.e admire, That palates more refined would not desire.

THE pastor John would often on her leer, just as a cur, when store of bones are near, That would good pickings for his teeth afford, Attentively behold the precious h.o.a.rd, And seem uneasy; move his feet and tail; Now p.r.i.c.k his ears; then fear he can't prevail, The eyes still fixed upon the bite in sight, Which twenty times to these affords delight, Ere to his longing jaws the boon arrives, However anxiously the suitor strives.

SELF-TORMENTS solely parson John obtained; By seeing her that o'er his senses reigned.

The village-wife was innocent of this, And never dreamed of any thing amiss; The pastor's mystick looks, nor flatt'ring ways; Nor presents, aught in Magdalene could raise; But nosegays made of thyme, and marj'ram too, Were dropt on ground, or never kept in view; A hundred little cares appeared as naught 'Twas Welch to her, and ne'er conveyed a thought.

A pleasant stratagem he now contrived, From which, he hoped, success might be derived.

MOST clearly Peter was a heavy lout, Yet truly I could never have a doubt, That rashly he would ne'er himself commit, Though folly 'twere from him to look for wit, Or aught expect by questioning to find 'Yond this to reason, he was not designed.

THE rector to him said, thou'rt poor, my friend, And hast not half enough for food to spend, With other things that necessary prove, If we below with comfort wish to move.

Some day I'll show thee how thou may'st procure The means that will thy happiness insure, And make thee feel contented as a king.

To me what present for it wilt thou bring?

ZOOKS! Peter answered, parson, I desire, You'll me direct to do as you require; My labour pray command; 'tis all I've got; Our pig howe'er to you we can allot, We want it not; and truly it has eat More bran than thrice this vessel would complete; The cow you'll take besides, from which my wife A calf expects, to raise the means of life.

No, no, the pastor with a smile replied, A recompense for this thou'lt not provide; My neighbour to oblige is all I heed; And now I'll tell thee how thou must proceed; Thy spouse, by magick, I'll transform each day, And turn her to a mare for cart or dray, And then again restore her ev'ry night, To human form to give thy heart delight.

From this to thee great profit will arise; Thy a.s.s, so slow is found, that when supplies, It carries to the market, 'tis so late, The hour is almost past ere at the gate, And then thy cabbages, and herbs, and roots, Provisions, provender, and wares and fruits, Remain unsold, and home to spoil are brought, Since rarely far from thence such things are sought.

But when thy wife's a mare, she'll faster go: Strong, active, ev'ry way her worth she'll show, And home will come without expense in meat: No soup nor bread, but solely herbs she'll eat:

SAID Peter, parson, clearly you are wise; From learning, what advantages arise!

Is this pray sold?--If I'd much money got, To make the purchase I'd the cash allot.

CONTINUED John:--now I will thee instruct, The proper manner, matters to conduct, For thee to have a clever mare by day, And still at night a charming wife survey; Face, legs, and ev'ry thing shall reappear; Come, see it done, and I'll perform it here; Thou'lt then the method fully comprehend; But hold thy tongue, or all will quickly end: A single word the magick would dispel, And, during life, no more with us 'twould dwell.

Keep close thy mouth and merely ope' thy eyes: A glimpse alone to learn it will suffice; This o'er, thyself shall practise it the same, And all will follow as when first it came.

THE husband promised he would hold his tongue; And John disliked deferring matters long.

Come, Magdalene, said he, you will undress; To quit those Sunday-clothes, you'll acquiesce, And put yourself in Nature's pure array Well, well, proceed; with stays and sleeves away; That's better still; now petticoats lay by; How nicely with my orders you comply.

WHEN Magdalene was to the linen come, Some marks of shame around her senses swum; A wife to live and die was her desire, Much rather than be seen in Eve's attire; She vowed that, spite of what the priest disclosed; She never would consent to be exposed.

SAID Peter, pretty work, upon my truth:-- Not let us see how you are made forsooth!

What silly scruples!--Are they in your creed?

You were not always led such scenes to heed: Pray how d'ye manage when for fleas you seek?

'Tis strange, good sir, that she should be so weak; What can you fear?--'tis folly time to waste; He will not eat you: come, I say, make haste: Have done with haggling; had you acted right, Ere now the parson all had finished quite.

ON saying this, her garment off he took; Put on his spectacles to overlook; And parson John, without delay, began; Said he (as o'er her person now he ran), This part umbilical will make the mare A n.o.ble breast, and strength at once declare: Then further on the pastor placed his hand, While, with the other, (as a magick wand,) He set about transforming mounts of snow; That in our climes a genial warmth bestow, And semi-globes are called, while those that rise In t'other hemisphere, of larger size, Are seldom mentioned, through respect no doubt, But these howe'er the parson, quite devout, Would not neglect, and whatsoe'er he felt, He always named, and on its beauties dwelt; The ceremony this, it seems, required, And fully ev'ry movement John admired.

PROCEEDINGS so minute gave Peter pain, And as he could not see the rector gain The slightest change, he prayed the pow'rs divine, To give a.s.sistance to the priest's design; But this was vain, since all the magick spell, In metamorphosing the lady well, Depended on the fixing of the tail; Without this ornament the whole would fail.

To set it on the parson hastened now, When Neighbour Peter 'gan to knit his brow, And bawled so loud, you might have heard him far: No tail, said he, I'll have: there'll be a scar; You put it on too low; but vain his cries, The husband's diligence would not suffice, For, spite of ev'ry effort, much was done, And John completely his career had run, If Peter had not pulled the rector's gown, Who hastily replied, thou ninny, clown; Did I not tell thee silence to observe, And not a footstep from thy station swerve?

The whole is spoiled, insufferable elf!

And for it thou hast got to thank thyself.

THE husband, while the holy pastor spoke, Appeared to grumble and his stars invoke.

The wife was in a rage, and 'gan to scold: Said she to Peter, wretch that I behold!

Thou'lt be through life a prey to pain and grief, Come not to me and bray and hope relief, The worthy pastor would have us procured The means that might much comfort have ensured.

Can he deserve such treatment to receive?

Good Mister John this goose I now would leave, And ev'ry morning, while he gathers fruits, Or plants, herbs, cabbages, and various roots, Without averting him, pray, here repair, You'll soon transform me to a charming mare.

No mare, replied the husband, I desire; An a.s.s for me is all that I require.

THE SPECTACLES

I LATELY vowed to leave the nuns alone, So oft their freaks have in my page been shown.

The subject may at length fatigue the mind; My Muse the veil howe'er is still inclined, Conspicuously to hold to publick view, And, 'mong the sisters, scene and scene pursue.

Is this too much?--the nicest tricks they play; Through soft amours oft artfully they stray, And these in full I'd readily detail, If I were sure the subject would not fail; And that's impossible I must admit, 'Twould endless be, the tales appear so fit; There's not a clerk so expeditious found, Who could record the stories known around.

The sisters to forget, were I to try, Suspicions might arise that, by and by, I should return: some case might tempt my pen; So oft I've overrun the convent-den, Like one who always makes, from time to time, The conversation with his feelings chime.

But let us to an end the subject bring, And after this, of other matters sing.

IN former times was introduced a lad Among the nuns, and like a maiden clad; A charming girl by all he was believed; Fifteen his age; no doubts were then conceived; Coletta was the name the youth had brought, And, till he got a beard, was sister thought.

THE period howsoe'er was well employed, And from it Agnes profit had enjoyed; What profit?--truly better had I said, That sister Agnes by him was misled, And store of ills received; misfortune dire Obliged the nun more girdle to require, And ultimately to produce (in spite Of ev'ry wish to guard the fact from light) A little creature that our hist'ries say, Was found Coletta's features to display.

GREAT scandal quickly through the convent ran: How could this child arrive?--the sisters 'gan To laugh and ask, if in an evil hour, The mushroom could have fallen with a show'r?

Or self-created was it not supposed?

Much rage the abbess presently disclosed; To have her holy mansion thus disgraced!

Forthwith the culprit was in prison placed.

THE father to discover next they tried; How could he enter, pa.s.s, escape, or hide; The walls were high; the grate was double too; Quite small the turning-box appeared to view, And she who managed it was very old:-- Perhaps some youthful spark has been so bold, Cried she who was superior to the rest, To get admitted, like a maiden dressed, And 'mong our flock (if rightly I surmise) A wicked wolf is lurking in disguise.

Undress, I say, I'll verify the fact; No other way remains for me to act.

THE lad disguised was terrified to death; Each plan was dissipated with a breath; The more he thought of means from thence to get, The greater were the obstacles he met.

At length NECESSITY (the parent found Of stratagems and wiles, so much renowned,) Induced the youth ... (I scarcely can proceed) To tie ... expression here I clearly need; What word will decently express the thought?

What book has got it?--where should it be sought?

You've heard, in days of yore that human kind, With windows in their bosoms were designed, Through which 'twas easy all within to see, And suited those of medical degree.

BUT if these windows useful were believed; 'Twas inconvenient in the heart perceived, And women thoroughly disliked the scheme:-- They could not find the means to hide a dream.

Dame Nature howsoe'er contrived a plan:-- One lace she gave the woman, one the man, Of equal length, and each enough no doubt, By proper care to shut the ope throughout.

The woman much too thick her eyelets placed; And consequently, ne'er was closely laced; The fault was all her own: herself the cause; The man as little merited applause, For coa.r.s.ely working, soon the hole was shut, From which the remnant lace was left to jut; In fact, on either side, whate'er was done, The laces never equally would run, And we are told, both s.e.xes acted wrong: The woman's was too short; the man's too long.

FROM this 'tis easy, it should seem to guess: What by the youth was tied in this distress The end of lace that by the men was left, When nature ordered them to close the cleft: With thread he fastened it so very well, That all was flat as any nun or belle; But thread or silk, you cannot find a string To hold, what soon I fear will give a spring, And get away, in spite of all you do; Bring saints or angels such a scene to view, As twenty nuns in similar array, Strange creatures I should think them:--merely clay, If they should at the sight unmoved remain; I speak of nuns, howe'er, whose charms maintain Superior rank, and like the Graces seem, Delightful sisters! ev'ry way supreme.

THE prioress, this secret to disclose, Appeared with spectacles upon her nose; And twenty nuns around a dress displayed; That convent mantua-makers never made, Imagine to yourself what felt the youth, 'Mid this examination of the truth.

The nice proportions and the lily charms Soon raised within his bosom dire alarms; Like magick operated on the string, And from it, what was tied, soon gave a spring; Broke loose at once, just like a mettled steed, That, having slipt its halter, flies with speed; Against the abbess' nose with force it flew, And spectacles from her proboscis threw.

THOUGH she had nearly fallen on the floor, In thus attempting secrets to explore, No jest she thought the accident, 'twas plain, But would with force the discipline maintain.

A chapter instantly the lady held; Long time upon the circ.u.mstance they dwelled.

The youthful wolf that caused the direful shock; At length was given to the aged flock, Who tied his hands and bound him to a tree Face 'gainst the wood, that none his front might see; And while the cruel troop, with rage inflamed, Considered of rewards that vengeance framed; While some the besoms from the kitchen brought; And others, in the convent ars'nal sought The various instruments the sisters used To punish when obedience was refused; Another double-locked, within a room.

The nuns of tender hearts and youthful bloom:-- By chance, a friend to sly gallants appeared, And soon removed, what most our hero feared: A miller mounted on his mule came by, A tight-built active lad with piercing eye; One much admired by all the girls around; Played well at kayles:--a good companion found.

Aha! cried he, what's here?--a nice affair; Young man, pray tell me who has placed thee there?

The sisters, say'st thou?--hast thou had thy fun, And pleased thy fancy with a wanton nun?

Art satisfied?--and was she pretty too?

In truth, to judge by what appears to view, Thou seemest thoroughly a wily wight, That convent belles would relish morn and night.