The

Second Life – 3

            … … Silvia collapsed due to her illness.

            When

that news reached us, it was the end of autumn. Although not even half a year

had pa.s.sed, when that summer day began to feel terribly far away, a messenger on

a fast horse came flying from my parents’ house. When I saw the face of the

male servant who had rushed over, it was easy to imagine the news he was

bringing wasn’t a good one. However, I never thought it would be about Silvia. That

child should have avoided her tragedy. That was why it never crossed my mind

that the shadow of death would still engulf that child.   

            That

day, Soleil who had finally took off a long holyday was having his breakfast

with me. Because it was a long break, we were talking about occasionally going

out together. When I remember that day of the past, I recall I had been in a

festive mood since the previous evening. On such a peaceful day, a nightmare closed in. In the letter engraved with my parent’s crest, it was written that

Silvia had suddenly felt seriously ill. When Soleil read this, understandably,

his face turned pale.  

“ I’ll go and see her condition.”

            With

a disheartened expression and the same tone of voice as usual, he declared this

feigning a nonchalant behavior. But, as he stood up and made a b.u.mping sound, his unrest could be perceived. Despite him pretending to not be affected by the

news announcing Silvia was about to die at any moments, Soleil lost his cool

and blood flew to his head. “Why do you?” said my lips that seemed to

unconsciously move before I swallowed my breath to endure it. I tightened my

trembling lips to keep control over my words and to not let my tongue slip.

When my mouth was filled with the taste of blood, I finally uttered with a

strained voice.     

“… I will also come.”

            I

deliberately dropped my words slower than usual. While ordering the steward to

make preparations to leave the house, he put his arms through the sleeves of

his coat, making preparation to stay overnight. 

“I will also come with you.”

            As

if I was chewing on them, I repeated the same words once again. Even if I

shouldn’t do it, I grabbed Soleil and press him to give me an answer. Why, even

though it’s about my little sister, I’m treated like I’m an outsider? “I’ll go and see her condition.” Why did

you said such a thing as if going alone was obviously natural? I want to yell

they are not words to say to an older sister about to lose her little sister.  

“No, I’ll go by horse. You should

take the carriage.”

“I too, will ride a horse…!”

“With how shaken you’re now, you

probably won’t be able to hold the reins properly. I’m asking you, do as I

say.”

            His

feet, the tips of his shoes, are turned toward the outside, hurried to leave

the estate. Grasping my shoulder as if to prevent me from hindering his departure,

he drove me out of his line of sight. “Please wait,” “I also, together,”

“Wait,” “Wait, please,” “Soleil-sama,”

Controlled by my emotions, I wanted to cling to Soleil who escaped from the entrance hall at a

quick pace. He has no intention to take me along. Eventually, I don’t know if it was because he was getting impatient with me who was indefinitely following Soleil around,

but his exclusive steward wedged himself between us and calmly informed me.

“Madam, the preparations for the

carriage will be done shortly.”

Calmly but

clearly, he said it with the same tone of voice he used to announce the death

of Silvia on that far away day. Vividly recalling the scenes of that day, while

I was faintly flinching in front of his att.i.tude that didn’t let someone speak

out any consent nor refusal, I lost sight of Soleil’s retreating figure.

“Why,”

            That

single words I muttered tumbled on the marble floor of the entrance hall that

had regained its silence. For only a second, the steward turned his line of

sight toward me but from the start he probably didn’t hold that much interest.

“When the preparations for the carriage are done, I will come get you, so in

the meantime please wait in your own room.” As soon as he declared this in a

business tone he left that place.

“Why is it like this?”

            The

misgivings that were boiling inside came out of my mouth. Even though the one

who is dying is my little sister, why did the letter that arrived was addressed

to Soleil? I thought that a letter coming from my parents’ house would

naturally be addressed to me. However, from the beginning the male servant came

here with the intention to directly handed it over to Soleil. For instance,

even if they were my parents, it would be far too rude to directly write up a

letter to the legitimate child of a higher ranked marquis house. Even in the

case they had some business with Soleil, since his wife was their blood-related

daughter, it would be better to pa.s.s it through her. No matter what state of

emergency arose, a n.o.bleman was an existence that followed the proper

procedures. And yet, despite that awfully long explanation I gave about how

improper it would be, Soleil received this letter as if it was natural. In

front of me, he had accepted it himself like it was a matter of course. The

steward didn’t admonish him either. As if, he already knew Soleil would get it.

            An

unpleasant promotion flitted through my mind.

            Perhaps,

it wasn’t the first time a letter was delivered. Perhaps until now, the

letters from my parents’ house were handed over to Soleil. And then, the reason

why Soleil never informed me of this, was because they weren’t address to me.

In short, to say it in other words, they weren’t letters from my parents. Because

they were people who valued such a thing as peerage. That being the case, apart

from my parents, a person who could send a letter using the name of the earl,

there was no one but Silvia.  

            Strength

left my legs and my knees felt on the marble floor. I saw the maids rush over in

a panic.

            I

felt sick. The world was spinning around. Although I promptly put my palm on

the floor, my trembling arm couldn’t support my own body and all too soon it

easily flopped down.

            I

must quickly go. I have to go and visit my sick little sister. 

            That’s

what I thought, but in spite of my hurry of feeling better, my vision started

to darken. He said she was seriously ill. That she couldn’t even get up

anymore. Even so, far from worrying about my little sister, I started to think

in jealousy of all the sentences the two of them exchanged in places I didn’t

know. The reason I was thinking I must go to Silvia’s side as soon as possible,

was not because I was anxious about her. “Goodness, such a thing, how

miserable.” Alongside the blood that drew back from my head, I recalled my

former life. My appearance as I, even for an instant, felt delight at the news

of her little sister’s death reemerged. Like this, the previous me lost Soleil.

            This

time too, Soleil had certainly chosen Silvia. It wasn’t a presentiment, it was

already closer to a conviction.

            In

reality, I had been detained alone in the mansion. When I came chasing after

him, he turned his back as if to declare this to the servant. My parents’ home

wasn’t at a particularly far distance. Even I could ride a horse, and if it had

been dangerous like Soleil had said, there still should have been the means of

letting me ride on his own horse. Yet the reason he clearly displayed a

behavior saying he didn’t want to go together, was merely because he had

something he wanted to hide. No, in the first place, it doubtful whether he

intended to conceal it or not. That day, those eyes of him, didn’t they tell me

it clearly.

            That

he didn’t want to be hindered. That he didn’t want me to s.n.a.t.c.h away his time

with Silvia. 

            In

the end, I who had collapsed in the entrance hall, without having my prayer of

going to meet Silvia fulfilled, was carried out to my bed in my room. Within a

few minutes the exclusive doctor of the house was called, and after having

examined me while making a serious expression, he cleared out the people and told

me:

“You are pregnant.”

“What?”

            Hearing

this unexpected line, I sprang up on the bed without thinking. Seeing this, the

old doctor calmly told me to rest while gently pulling me by the shoulder to

make me lie back on the pillows.

“What are you saying?”

            I

trembled while taking small breaths. That was the news I had been waiting for

impatiently. All along this life, I waited eagerly and prayed for it more than

in the previous life. Yet, my bewilderment was bigger than my joy.

“How come, why now?”

            I

have always been dreaming about this moment. Because I was born for this sake. Because

giving birth to the heir of the marquis house, was the greatest duty I had been

charged with. I thought that when that time would come, I would receive

everyone’s blessing. I was hoping that, this time surely, Soleil too would let

go of his emotional reserve and rejoice. However, almost certainly, that will

not happen.

“Doctor, is it not a mistake?”

“… Probably.”

 “Doctor, right now, my little sister is at the

grips of death.”

“… I heard of it.”

“Doctor, I, I, what on earth,”

            What

on earth should I do, was what I tried to say but my lips were trembling and

couldn’t properly form words. The doctor gently grasped my hand to encourage

me, and told me that everything would surely be alright while showing an

irresponsible smile on his face. He said that everything would work fine.

However, while he was saying this, in reality he must have already noticed. The

unnaturalness of Soleil’s figure not being here right now. Since he knew Silvia

has collapsed from her illness, then he must have already heard Soleil was on

his way there. Normally, the husband and wife should go visit Silvia together.

All the more if you are worried for me who is greatly shaken by the news.

Because there was the alternative of going together by carriage.

“Let me be the one who’ll announce

it to Soleil-sama.”

“No, no, please don’t tell him. Now,

is a terrible time.”

            My

muttering voice broke.

“I am truly sorry about the illness

of your little sister but, what is happening to you now is also a serious

affair. Because you have been entrusted with the precious successor.”

            Until

you reach the stable period the slightest negligence mustn’t happen, so your

husband has to support you, he said. I felt encouraged by his kind words. But I

knew. That Soleil will certainly regret it. While thinking “why at such a time,”

“why now,” I wondered if he will disavow himself for thinking of having a child

with me. And then, will he deny his own child with an even stronger emotion

that what he feels for me now?  

 “…Madam…”    

The back of my eyelids was burning

hot.

“Once I have reached the stable period,

I will tell him myself.”

“Madam,”

“That is why, please, I will take

great care, so please, for now keep silent about it doctor.”

            The

depths of my chest were crushed in pain.

“After all, right now my little

sister, is suffering lying on bed.”

            Right

now, my husband is surely at her side, fighting the disease together. So,

therefore, as much as I want to tell him to stay with me, I can’t do such a

thing.  

“Madam.”

“I am fine. Up until now, I have

always been fine.”

            The

wrinkled hand of the old doctor stroke my head in bewilderment.

            Why,

was not Soleil here? Isn’t it obvious. It’s because Silvia was about to die.

Why am I here? Isn’t it obvious. It’s because Soleil has left me behind.   

            After

that summer day, I told Soleil I wanted children. He smiled coldly and agreed he

indeed needed an heir, as if it was his duty and another part of his job.

             However, even like that it had been fine. At

that time, I thought it was alright. Because I wanted a family. Simply because I

wanted a deeper tie with Soleil. Because, he had accepted and resigned himself to

dispa.s.sionately take a wife and have a child like it was his work’s procedures.

            Because

I thought there was time. I, despite my negative experiences, believed in an

imaginary future.

            …

… Silvia is dead.

            Inside

my head, someone muttered.

            This

time once again, Soleil won’t choose me.