The Third Life and Thereafter – 3

“I want you to protect my little

sister.”

            When

I said that, Crow just tilted his head while making a wondering expression.

Then, while keeping this pose, he inquired,

“Why?”

“Because I want to protect her.”

            When

I answered, he bent his neck even more. That movement looked somewhat strange.

Because he was coiled in black robes, he looked like a magician or a life-size

puppet.

            Recently

Cross came to my room every day without fail. Unlike the first time he invaded

without permission, he conscientiously knocks the window gla.s.s with his beck

and waits for me to open it, however, I still didn’t know how he managed to

pa.s.s through the iron grid. If my eyes wander away from him for a mere instant,

before I knew it the next second he stands in the middle of the room. And at

the same time he has taken his human form.

“…Well, alright. Since you desire

so.”

            Crow

who laughed and made a small smile was bewitching. The unreadable and

artificial expression he was making was somewhat similar to Soleil’s, but I

thought it looked more human, and that unbalanced reminded me that I didn’t

know the true nature of this being. To put it badly, I wonder if you could say

he seemed eerie.

“But it’s strange. Why do you

treasure that little sister so much?”

            Walking

meaninglessly around the room, his appearance as he was rampaging through the

dresser and the bookshelf like it was no big deal was not so different from the

time he was a bird. That’s why I felt it proved that bird and that man were the

same being.

“Don’t you think a little sister is

an existence that should be cherished?”

            When

I answered this, Crow threw himself on the bed I was sitting and laughed.

“Right, I guess so. But you know,

that, I think it’s a sophism.”

“A sophism?”

“Yup. Saying ‘since she’s a little

sister, she must be treasured’, it’s only a fragment of the truth.”

            I

think he is older than me. But according to what I saw, I also had the hunch he

was considerably younger. If you looked closely, his features were those of a

young boy, but at the second you thought so, he would show a mature expression.

I truly think he was a mysterious man.

“You like your fiancé, right? Isn’t

she your love rival?”

            The

man who was slumped on the bed said so while raising his almond eyes.

“… Have I told you about

Soleil-sama?”

“No. But I can tell just by

watching.”

            Crow

raised a cheerful laugher. I really wonder from where he was watching. At least

I’ve never exchanged words with Soleil in front of him. In the first place,

Crow appeared in the middle of the night, and because he came only to my room,

even if he said he was watching me I actually didn’t feel it was the case.

Maybe during day time, he was taking a different form? I thought about asking

him, but I suddenly realized he wasn’t the kind of man who would obediently and

honestly answered such a question.    

“Saying 'it's because she’s my rival

in love' won’t become enough of a reason to not cherish her…”

            At

least that was the case for me. For me who knew what would happen from now on,

I had a reason to treasure her. This time too it was the same. In order to not

lose my little sister, I’ll do the things that must be done. That was it. And

so, I will use the things that can be used. Just like last time.

“Moreover, didn’t you say that

compensation will be unnecessary? That you’ll lend me your hand.”

“Well, I certainly said so. I don’t

need any reward. Reward in monetary term that is.”

“…”

“Don’t make that face. I’ll fulfil

my promise. … But I haven’t heard your answer.”

            Crow

who abruptly rose up put his head on my lap, behaving like a spoiled child.

“However, I want a motive.”

“… A motive?”

“A motive for me to make a move.”

            The

silent air froze. I felt it. It was neither warm nor cold, so to speak, it was

like I was pierced by a pair of eyes that were like two pitch black stones. It

was as if they were telling me they wouldn’t allow me to evade the question.

“… … Just once.”

“…hm?”

“Once, my life was saved by my

little sister.”  

            That’s

right. And so, I can hardly leave my little sister. I’m feeling indebted to

her. I’ve the obligation to protect that frail little sister.

“In my childhood, there was a time I

was about to be kicked by the horse I was taking care of.”

            I

said I was taking care of it, but it’s not like I was earnestly doing it. From

time to time I would go to the stables to take a breather from my studies, and

then I would a.s.sist the stable boy but only to the degree of landing a hand. In

reality you could say I was in the way of his work. I thought so at that time

too. And so, everybody who was there at that time was careless. Usually it was

a docile horse, n.o.body thought such a thing would happen. The stable boy was

also beside me, holding the horse’s bridle. That’s why, n.o.body expected the

horse to raise its front feet, frightened by me who had stumbled upon a stone and

fell down in front of it.

… … Big

sister! 

I clearly

remember the hands of my young little sister that covered my back. My little

sister hadn’t been here from the beginning, she simply happened to be pa.s.sing

nearby by chance. As usual she had been sick and confined in bed until a few

days before, and probably because it wasn’t good to always stay shut in her

room, her maids brought her out for a walk as a light exercise. There, she

caught sight of me who was about to be kicked by the horse. Really, it only

happened coincidentally. Then she tried to protect me as much as she could.

The horse

neighed and his huge figure over us drew near. I, who couldn’t even move

because of fear, was protected by my very, very small little sister. At the

critical moment, if the stable boy who noticed the situation hadn’t pull on the

bridle, my little sister’s head would surely have been kicked by the horse. It

probably wouldn’t have ended well.

“… That’s all?”

            Crow

who was listening to my story showed a dumbfounded expression.     

“… … Yes, that’s all.”

            But

“that” was more than enough. In those days, because my sickly little sister had

been isolated most of the time, I had barely exchanged any words with her at

all. Even though some distance was born because she was a little sister from a

different mother, since we were physically separated, there were even less

occasions to come in contact. I knew I had a little sister, but I wasn’t

strongly aware of her existence. Whether she was here or not, I thought it was

the same. And yet. That child, called me “big sister” and tried to protect me.

To the point of wholeheartedly using her whole body.   

“In short, you were moved by her

kindness.”

“… Right. Maybe that’s the case.”

            Silvia

protected me on the spur of the moment, when she came back to herself and saw

we were both safe, she was trembling a little. She tightly shrank her

excessively helpless and slender limbs and clang to me, crying it had been

scary. That’s why I embraced that body while making a vow. I swore I would

protect that small and frail little sister. The next time something would

happen, I thought I should protect

her. 

            And

yet.

“… … Ahah, good. It’s good, very

good.”

            A

pair of pitch black eyes looked toward me. I didn’t know what he was thinking,

but his sharp eyes had become softer, loosen in delight. 

“Alright, I understand. I’ll protect

your little sis.”

            Since

I don’t dislike those human-liked emotions, said Crow while playing and rubbing

the back of his head over my laps. When I reflexively stroke his forehead, for

a second, Crow made an engrossed expression and soon laughed with satisfaction.

            Only

a little time remained before I graduate from the academy. If things continue

like this and nothing happens, Soleil and I will get married. Then, after three

years, that summer will come again. That summer where Silvia is attacked in a

robbery and die.

            This

time, I wonder what on earth will happen? Can I do it well?

            I’m

scared. I think I’m just scared.

            But,

if I don’t do it well, I’ll be condemned by Soleil again. 

*

*

            The

day Soleil and I got married, Silvia took part to the ceremony as a relative.

After the

ceremony itself, we a.s.sembled outside the church where a small garden had been

prepared and received blessings from our relatives and old friends. My little

sister stood before Soleil and I with my parents and congratulated us with a

smile. Be happy, she said as she laughed. Despite it being my own wedding

ceremony, I only remembered clearly my little sister’s appearance. Her silver

hairs were gathered loosely and she was wearing a light red lipstick that drew

one’s eyes. It looked really attractive on her white skin. Just like that tea

party where the two of them met for the first time, she was wearing a beige

dress close to a white color and was showing a little smile. The ephemeral

figure of the pet.i.te and delicate little sister who didn’t leave the house much

was eye-catching and stood out a lot more that I, the bride.

            Soleil

gave his thanks to the congratulating words Silvia expressed. Beside me, that cold pair of eyes slightly loosened. But the face I saw from profile carried a

tinge of lamentation that couldn’t be hidden. He couldn’t be with the one he

loved. Once again, he was realizing this.

            I

couldn’t look at his face any longer and when I suddenly raised my eyes, above

my head I saw a black bird flying in big circles. As if it was laughing at

me.   

“… Crow.”

            Soleil

who heard my mutter with his sharp ears bent his head with a puzzled

expression. When I shook my head and said it was nothing, he left it as it was,

stifled a yawn and dismissed it with a bored “I see.” It was as if he didn’t

have any interest. As if it was completely not worth worrying about it. And

then, his gaze once again turned toward my little sister.

            Today

should have been the happiest day of my life. The me of the first life

certainly believed this. It took several weeks to choose today dress. And yet,

there were still part I wasn’t please with so I embroidered them myself. Each

time I inserted a needle, I felt I took a step closer to happiness. My mouth

would smile widely as I made that wish. But, if you attentively observed the

situation like I was doing now, you could see Soleil didn’t have the slightest

bit of affection toward me. In order to not let anybody sense it, to not let

anybody realize it, he pretended nothing was wrong, but I knew that in reality

he found me annoying and was tired of me.         

            To

that extent, that much. I’m not loved by Soleil.

            While

watching the icy profile of Soleil who pledged an eternal love before G.o.d, I

realized this man would deceived even G.o.d like this. He was a person who sealed

his own love for the sake of politics. A person who chose to defend his lands

and people rather than love. In that way, it can be said that since he was able to

restrain his emotions and take rational decisions, he was the ideal figure for an

administrator. The people who lost sight of their road due to love were not few.

But, him, would never do that. He chose me for that.

            And

it was that person I fell in love with. Even when I see his appearance that can

be interpreted as being cold-headed, there is no way my emotion would subside.

            That’s

why, in front of G.o.d, I pledge a true oath. I would continue to love him at all

times. Even if he didn’t love me, I could swear a love worth of two persons’

share. By doing so, maybe someday rewarding times would come.

            And

then, I became Soleil’s wife.

            …

… I think my third life was, if compared to the previous lives, spent in

overwhelmingly calmer days. While making preparations for that summer day, I

also lead a social life as the wife of a marquis, fulfilling my duties as

Soleil’s spouse without a flaw. Everything was for the sake of avoiding the

incident that would happen during the summer of the third year. It was

necessary to build personal connections and to furthermore strengthen those

relations.h.i.+ps. I worked vigorously in order to make the necessary arrangements

and lay the groundwork.  

“Because it’s you Iria who told me

to, I looked into it, but what the h.e.l.l do you want to do with such a small group of bandits?”

            Crow

tilted his head, mystified. But he cooperated without any further pressing me

who was dodging his question ambiguously and didn’t give a reason. 

“I don’t know what you’re trying to

do, but anyhow, since I’m bored, lending a hand is no problem at all” he said

with a smile.

            …

… And then, one day. An unforeseen incident occurred.

            When

I arrived at the place I had been called because he had something to talk about

with me, I discovered that Soleil had brought along my little sister. Silvia

had a green and stiffed expression, and Soleil was standing in front of such a

little sister as if to protect her. When I stared at their figures wondering

what happened, Soleil said to me with a n.o.ble face that looked no different

from usual,

“… Silvia is not to blame.”

            Abruptly

starting the conversation with those words, first of all he urged my little

sister whose complexion was bad to sit down. But Silvia silently shook her

head. Tears were acc.u.mulating inside her big eyes, as if she was enduring

something she closed her lips tightly like she was about to cry at any moment.

Seized by a presentiment, my back trembled a little. 

“… She got pregnant.”

            Soleil

who suddenly inhaled a long breath declared this with a voice devoid of any

intonation.

“… Who is it?”

            My

muttered words fell down inside the wide drawing room. I knew it in my head,

but my mouth couldn’t catch up with my understanding and moved

unintentionally.  

“Silvia is pregnant with my child.”

            This

time when the words were clearly told, my mind became pure white. Yes,

literally pure white.

            There

was only the three of us in the drawing room that had been cleared out of

people beforehand. That’s why my unsteady breathing sounds echoed clearly. The

voice that finally managed to squeeze out the word “Why?” was shaking greatly. The

trembling word that was said as if I was spitting out a lump of stone from the

depth of my chest rolled down without any meaning.

            Silvia

had a frail body, it was concluded it would probably be difficult for her to want

children. For that reason, she didn’t have a fiancé. Inside the n.o.ble society

where it is said giving birth to an heir is the women’s role, she was at an

overwhelming disadvantage. It was supposed to be the case. Until that moment.

            Not

knowing what to do, I kept repeating “Why?” like an idiot. With a voice that

seemed to be about to vanish, Silvia answered in a mutter, “Big sister, I’m

sorry.” While keeping her figure at the corner of my field of vision, my eyes

moved toward Soleil’s face. I’m sure today was our wedding anniversary. The

anniversary of our second year. Only two years have pa.s.sed.  

            While

I was making the arrangements to face the summer of the third year, in a place I

didn’t know, those two had many lover meetings over and over again.

            The

only one who kept his composure at that time was probably Soleil. Even though

it could count as an infidelity, he told in a clear voice that didn’t reveal

the slightest feeling of guilt “I am in love with Silvia.” In my previous life,

in the one before too, they were the words I didn’t receive not even once. No

matter how much I devoted myself, no matter how many times I said I loved

Soleil, those words were never returned, not even once. Those words, has my little

sister obtained them only because she was “Silvia”? Will she build a happy

family while I literally couldn’t even hold in my arms the child I gave birth

to? Those things, were what I originally should have got.   

            I

screamed loudly. As if my shout could shatter the world to pieces. Even though

I knew such a stupid thing would never happen.

*

“… Iria, why are you crying?”

            I

was laying on the floor rounded up like a fetus when an oddly sweet voice came

from above. When I looked up, Crow’s beautiful face was right there. At that

time, when they heard me screamed, the escorts barged into the drawing room. I

unconsciously searched for the figure of Al, but then I remembered that after I

got married I left Al behind at my parent’s home. When I told him to protect my

little sister rather than me, his face looked hurt for a second before he managed

to erase his expression. After having barged into the room, the escort of the

marquis house whom I had never exchanged even a single word with, carried me up as

I was still in a confused and shocked state, then he threw me into my room and

locked it up from the outside.    

“… Crow, Crow,”

            If

I’m allowed to give an excuse, then I’ll said that at that time, I was surely

at my limit. I, who had gone over my critical points many times, who had tasted

true despair, at that moment,  I hung

onto the nearest person who offered me a gentle expression, Crow. That why, I

talked about the path I was following, about everything regarding the incidents

I couldn’t perceive as reality. Surely, I must have wished for someone to pity

me and show me some compa.s.sion. I wished for someone to console me “You’ve

endure well by yourself.” And then, I wished for them to tell me “It’s alright

to not worry anymore.” Anything was fine, I just wanted a reason to live

through this cruel reality.  

“Iria, Iria …”

            After

having listen until the end to the story I told while sobbing convulsively and

spitting out words bit by bit, Crow called my name.  

            Would

he believe in such an absurd story? But I wanted him to. Otherwise.

            A

slender finger scooped up my chin. In my field of vision that has been forcibly

raised up, Crow’s face appeared. Regarding what this white face that was like a

mask was thinking about, nothing could be read from his expression. His pitch-black

pair of eyes was reflecting my weeping and anxious expression.   

“If what you are saying is true,

then…”

            Crow

cut his words at that point and stared intensely in my eyes. It was as if he

was trying to peek into the depth of my heart. When I thought that, as expected,

he didn’t believe it, my feelings sank, but then they were risen up by his

followings words. However, his next words were not ones of sympathy nor

kindness.

“It’s almost like h.e.l.l.”

            Licking

the tears shed on my cheeks, Crow laughed.

“Hey, Iria. The place called h.e.l.l,

is were sinner goes, right?”

“Sinner…?”

“People who committed sins fall down

to that place after their death, no? And then, there they receive their

punishment, don’t they”

“They receive…”

            Their

punishment… ?

“If this is h.e.l.l. If you’re

receiving your punishment. Then, what kind of sin did you commit?”

            Crow’s

cold fingers tightly grasped my hands like he was scratching a short pile

carpet and pinned me down from above.

“Why is it happening to you and you

alone?”

“Why is it only you that repeat the

same time?”

            Several

drops of water fell on Crow hand that is covering my trembling fingers. If this

is a punishment. If this is the reparation for committing a sin. Then my sin

must surely be having wished for my own happiness. In other words, it had the

same meaning as wis.h.i.+ng for Soleil and Silvia’s unhappiness. Certainly, the me

of my first life was delighted by Silvia’s death.

            But

was it a sin worth of giving rise to this much of a h.e.l.l?

“Can it be that you, you think that

you’re the only one unhappy… … ?”

            How

did I answer Crow’s question? I don’t remember anymore. What I remember, is my

own figure as I stood alone in my room.

“However, my lady, you’re not the kind of person who would choose to end

her own life.”

            That was what had a.s.serted Al’s

voice.

            Still,

I was always anxious, and after my marriage I never brought an edged tool

inside my room. Because I feared the possibility that I would injure my skin

myself. Whether it was scissor, knife or razor, I didn’t leave anything in my

room. So, I braided a rope with the bed sheets I tore with my tooth.

            I

wasn’t sane. I wasn’t sane, but I completely understood what I was doing. The

infant I could never embrace not even once, my little sister will surely hold

him inside her arms. When I imagined Soleil’s face as he was smiling in happiness

while looking at the two, it became easy to carry it out. It’s already over. I’ve

already lost my purpose. I cannot watch the appearance of that child who had

become happy, I cannot watch Soleil building a future with someone else.  If it’s a punishment, if it’s the reparation

for having committed a sin, then. This reality will simply continue. A sudden

complete reversal of the story will not occur.

            I

hung the rope around my neck. The tips of my toes slipped off the chair I was stepping

on.