The Third Life and Thereafter – 2

            Portentous

of ill omen? No, it doesn’t make any sense. Because it’s too late, the calamity

and misfortune are already happening. 

            Looking

at me who said such a thing, Crow opened his eyes wide and slowly smiled… at

any case, that’s what it looked like. Crow’s beak which should not have been

able to make any expression, certainly looked like it was slowly laughing; the

black bird that was here was probably an illusion.

“…What you’re holding in your arms

is your child?”

            Why

did Crow asked me about my child despite him being something that should not be

visible? When I tilted my head wondering why Crow knew about the thing I was

holding in my arms, it answered.

“Of course I know about it. Because

I’ve always been watching.”

            As

expected, it was showing a smile on his face.

“I’ve seen you cuddling that child.”

“… Is that so?”

“I bet it’s surely adorable.”

“… yes, that’s right. Very… lovely.”

            Even

though it introduced himself with such ominous words, what a gentle conversation

it made. When I moved my line of sight from the phantom which had said it was

called Crow, my white arms that were forming the shape of circle in front of my

chest stood out against the darkness of the room. Even though I certainly felt

a heavy weight in those arms, I knew it was an illusion, because I couldn’t see

the face of the infant I should have been holding. Inside the dim room, the

outline of everything was very vague, I didn’t know with certainty what was

here or what wasn’t. That’s why I couldn’t see the face of the child in my

arms. I tried to believe this firmly.   

            I

knew he’s adorable. It cannot be helped he’s cute. Because he’s my child. Him

and mine child. But, the child inside my arms didn’t have a face. I couldn’t

even imagine the face of the child I wasn’t granted the chance to see.

“You, what on earth did you come

here for? There is nothing here.”

            When

I questioned it while holding in my arms a phantom that was much more gloomy

and sorrowful than the despairing darkness of the room, Crow laughed in a

suggestive way while flying around. It said it was a bird but what a ridiculous

way of laughing. 

“Didn’t you consider I came here

precisely because there was nothing?”

            It

lightly jumped on the top of the dresser, turned its neck around once then

tilted it in a charming way.

“What can you possibly be trying to

mean?”

“Anyway, I guess I’m bored!”

            Crow

opened his large wings wide and turned on himself once. Or so I thought but the

next moment,

“Nya”

            Above

the dresser, there was a black cat. Its body trembled with a sudden shaking as

if it was brus.h.i.+ng off something, then after it stared back at me to observe my

reaction, it exclaimed,

“… Oh? It wasn’t to your liking?”

            While

rubbing its whiskers against its front paw, it tilted its head and said that

women usually applaud when seeing this. 

“… I think it’s cute though.”

            I

don’t like it that much. When I said that, “That’s so? Such a shame, it’s

really a pity,” it answered and smiled as if it didn’t care about it at all. When

I was staring absentmindedly at its figure, the black cat suddenly jumped off

the dresser. As soon as it landed on the floor, it turned back to its previous

black bird shape.

“And so? Princess, why the h.e.l.l are

you imprisoned in such a place?”

“… I am not a princess.”

“Oh, well. Even if I call you a

princess it’s not an exaggeration cause you’re charming.”

“… I am not charming.”

“Eh, it’s that so? Hmm, what a

problem, I’m troubled, I’m troubled.”

            Crow

jumped a few times on the floor while making “Un, un” sounds and bending its

head sideway. It had wings but didn’t use them to fly, what a waste.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. So, is it

fine to ask why you’re in such a place?”

            Crow,

which eventually jumped up higher and higher with its feet, landed on the bed I

was sitting on.

“Such a place you said, but that’s

my bedroom.”

“Yup, I know that.”

            Even

though it shouldn’t have any expression, I wondered why I felt its face was

curved in a cheerful one.

“The thing I want to know is, why

are a n.o.ble princess like you in such a room?”

“That, what do you mean such a

room…? It’s not such an awful place as what you make it sounds like.”         

“…eh? Are you serious when you say

that?”

“…?”

            Tilting

its head, Crow looked helplessly over the room.

“Take a better look, princess. At

that window.”

            Since

it told me to, I moved my eyes toward the window covered by curtain its yellow

eyes were turned to. But, there was only the pale blue curtain and it wasn’t

different from usual. When I bent my head with a confused expression, besides

me the sound of flapping wings resounded.

“There, look now.”

            Crow,

which finally reached the window after swimming through the air, used its beak

to pinch the curtain and skillfully pulled it. The window frame that appeared

in the gap was vividly depicting a dark night.

“This… isn’t it a grill of iron

bars?”

            When

I concentrate my attention with inquiring eyes, I knew the shapes of iron bars were

reflected in the gla.s.s. It must surely be this. Without doubts, on the outside

of the window, an iron grid had been affixed.

“Why are you imprisoned in a room

that looks like a prison?”

            Crow

once again turned its little head in my direction.

“… You, you said you’re Crow right?”

“Eh? Ah, yup.”

“You, didn’t you enter from that

window? I wonder how you got inside?”

“… . Eh?! The thing you’re caring

about now is that?”

            But,

I already knew there was an iron grid affixed there. When I said that, a frown

appeared between the eyebrows Crow shouldn’t have had.

“It’s true you already said it

earlier but, you’re certainly broken somewhere.”

            When

it sighed in a quite human way, Crow let out a laughing sound from the depth of

its throat.

“…I’m pleased with you, really

pleased. Right, that’s good. You’re very good.”

            That’s

why, shall I lend you my cooperation? 

            The

young boy voice completely changed and became one of an adult man. It was low

and enticing, it was a pressuring voice that would entangle you if you were to

be careless.

“Cooperating you say, what for?”

“Anything related to you?”

“… Anything?”

“If you say you want to kill people,

or anything like that, it’s fine. For me, it’s very easy.”

            It

was some silly talk. Just some nonsense. Even if I knew that, I felt like I was

about to spontaneously nod and say “yes.” As I reflexively sank into silence,

“What, and then I was sure you

weren’t a pure and innocent princess?” it said this in a pleased tone rather

than a disappointed one.

“… As I thought, you’re joking

right?”

“Ah, who knows? If you really

desired so, I’m ready to lend a hand!”

            Then,

when I was considering how to reply, without any warning signs, in a popping

sound the black bird literally burst out with laugher. As I covered my eyes to

protect them from the black feathers that were scattering in all directions,

“…Ahahahahah” someone sneered in a

boisterous way.

            When

I slightly opened my eyes, at the other side of the feathers fluttering inside

the room, I saw the figure of a person. When I properly opened my eyes while

sweeping away the feathers that were obstructing my field of vision, before I

was aware of it, a man was standing right beside me. He was neither tall nor

small, if I must describe him, he had a lean figure. However, he didn’t look

weak. Maybe it was the robe he was coiled in that was hiding his figure well. With

the feeling I was looking at a magic trick, I just absentmindedly gazed at the

man’s body. Seeing me like this, inside the swallow depths of the hood he was

wearing, the man tilted his small neck and suddenly shrugged both shoulders to

make fun of me.

“You aren’t showing any astonishment

you know?” he said with a small laugh.

“Let me introduce myself once again,

princess. I’m Crow.  … I don’t have a

family name.”

            Call

me as you see fit. His white smiling face that said that, was elegant and

beautiful. This figure was swaying inside the glistening moonlight which flooded

in from the gap of the curtain that had been thrown open. When I instinctively

scrutinized his radiant eyes, he deepened his smile all the more.

“So, what is the calamity that’s

happening to you?”

            The

slender fingertips he stretched out touched my cheek. His hand didn’t have any

temperature. As if it belonged to a corpse. When he saw me unconsciously s.h.i.+ver

with a jump, he made a smile full of satisfaction.

“Is it the child who is inside your

arms?”

“Or is it that window affixed with

irons bars?”

“Can it be that…  it’s an incident even I cannot predict…?”

            His

hairs which were of a deeper black color than Soleil’s were smoothly swaying on

his shoulder; his eyes of an even more profound dark color were staring

intently at me. Gazing at those eyes that were reflecting me, I saw the idiotic

expression I was making.

“… The color of your eyes his

different than from the time you were a bird.”

            When

I unconsciously muttered that, the man laughed and raised a joyful and

delighted voice.  

“… Say, princess. Shall I help you?”

            Having

shortened the distance between us, the man, no, Crow, whispered this at a

breath distance from my ears. Blended in his slow tone of voice was a wicked

echo enticing to do evil deeds.

“… You, what is your intention?”

“We’ve reached this late in the game

and that’s what you’re enquiring about? Even though I said it earlier.”

            The

exhalation he spit out when he laughed felt nice and cold. When I reflexively

drew back, for an instant, Crow seemed to deepen his smile even more and said

bluntly: 

“You see, I’m very, very bored…!”

“I’ve grew sick of this boring

life!”

“That’s why, helping you is fine.

I’ll give you a special service free of charge?”

“What do you say, Iria?”

            …

… That was my encounter with him.

            Strictly

speaking, because he had been visiting my room since long before, I wonder if

it’s better to say that we became acquaintance that day. It was the first time

he appeared in his original form. 

            He

was a being I didn’t encounter in my two previous lives.

            It’s

not sure whether he was a dream or an illusion. In the first place, no matter

how naturally we exchanged words on this occasion, chatting whit animals was

not a normal situation. That’s why I think the me of my third life doubted of

his existence until the very end.

            However,

since I keep repeating my life many times, I will come to know.

            …

… He was indeed real. He was certainly here, watching me.

*

*

"My lady, that, is it really

alright?"

            While

I was looking at an history book in the archives of the mansion, a nervous

voice was raised behind me. When I turned back my head my escort was standing

there with a crease between his eyebrows. Reflecting the sunlight that was flowing

in from the window, his blond hair looked a little like they were containing

some of that light. When I narrowed my eyes because of the dazzle, he

nonchalantly changed his position. He was truly an attentive man.

            I

closed the book and faced my escort.

“When you ask if it’s really

alright, what are you talking about?” I asked while inclining my head.

“Today too, to visit Silvia-sama,

Soleil-sama has…”

            “He

has arrived at the estate” were the words he hesitated but couldn’t bring

himself to say before he lowered his eyes.

“I know. I caught sight of him a

little earlier.”

            That’s

right. Before coming to the archives, I certainly saw Soleil walking back and

forth with hesitation in front of Silvia’s room. He, who would never show a

wavering behavior in front of me, was indecisively roaming in circle hesitating

over whether or not entering the room of Silvia. Silvia’s maid who had probably

guided him here was silently making a very peculiar face.

            He

didn’t go greet his fiancé and went to visit her little sister. While I was

amazed by his lack of consideration, even then, I felt a bit envious of my

little sister who could see him. This train of thoughts of mine was really not

normal. It seemed something was burn off. Despite me being so envious, when he

was just in front of me eyes, I couldn’t call out to him.

“… That’s exactly why I asked if

things were alright this way.”

            His

voice was calm, but it was mixed with irritation. I think it’s quite rare for

my escort to express any frustration.   

“It’s not alright you know. Not the

slightest bit alright.”

“If so then why are you here looking

for something like a book without saying anything…!”

“Something like a book you say, but

books aren’t outrageous things.”

            When

I made a wry smile, at once he lowered his head without any honesty, saying

“forgive me for my impoliteness” while making an expression that seemed to say

he wasn’t sorry at all. And then, keeping his head lowered, he inquired with a

voice whose impatience had grown stronger. 

“My lady, is it truly fine to leave

things this way?”

“…Of course, it’s not.”

“Then…!”

            My

escort who snapped and rose his head was now making a distorted expression like

he was about to cry. It’s really strange. Even though the most concerned person

should have been me, my tears have already dried up.   

“Say, Al.”

“… Yes.”

“Have you seen the window in my

room?”

“… Yes…”

“The person who affixed that iron

grids, it was father.”

“…”

“Ahah, of course you know that.”

            Since

the huge blunder that can be called an act of madness which I committed that

day, although I thoroughly acted like usual, I couldn’t deceive my parents.

Quite the opposite, my parents completely didn’t believe me when I said I had

regain my sanity.

            …

… In fact, their fears were right. After all, even I couldn’t believe in

myself. 

            And so, when my father put that

grid in place just in case I would jump down from the window, I felt relieved.

Looking at those iron bars while standing beside Al who was making a bitter

expression, I breathed out a sight of relief. Even if they reminded me of that

jail I had been imprisoned into, I still thought it was better they were

here. 

“However, my lady, you’re not the

kind of person who would choose to end her own life.”

“Oh, that’s… I wonder. I’m not sure

myself.”

“Whatever my lady thinks, that’s how

you are.”

            Because

he declared this unduly full of confidence, I unintentionally erupted in

laughter.

“…Lady.”

“Ahah, no, it’s fine. I’m sorry. Al,

you’re a good person.”

“…”

            I

was scowled by Al who was making a dejected expression, yet I knew the gaze of

this man would never show displeasure.

“… It’s not like father was worried

I would commit suicide you know.”

“… In others words…?”

“He did it so that I wouldn’t jump

from the window, so that I wouldn’t flee by any chance.”

“…That, what do you mean…?”

“Exactly what I just said.”

            Al

had a puzzled expression and sank into silence, deep in thoughts.

“Hey, Al. If someone is born in a

n.o.ble house, moreover if the newborn is a girl, it’s commonplace for her to get

married for the sake of politics. It’s the norm for any house.”

“…But,”

“Everybody marries while thinking

that. It’s not just me, it’s the same for the others houses. I’m not the only

one thinking like this. So, you’ve to come to some terms with yourself.”

“… Something you must force yourself

to come to terms with, is there one…?”

            Suddenly,

like he had made up his mind, Al put one of his knees on the ground and looked

up at me who was sitting on a chair.

“If you are confronted to painful

things, you don’t have to endure them. I know how much time and efforts my lady

expended to prepare for you marriage with Soleil-sama. You certainly have at

least the right to express the things you want to say.”

            He

had a gentle pair of eyes. Those sincere words stabbed my chest. But I

understood how utterly pointless it would be to speak my mind. No matter what I

say, no matter what I do, Soleil’s heart is already set on my little sister. I

knew that.

“… … My lady, haven’t you been doing

it earnestly until now? You strictly restrained the women who approached

Soleil-sama by confronting them and explaining things clearly.”

I don’t

think it was the right method. But, no matter how you looked at it, the current

situation is not like usual. He said that while creasing his eyebrows in

bewilderment.

“Why on earth don’t you do that now?”

            That’s

right. Until that tea party, that’s what I had been doing. Regardless of

whether they had a higher or lower social status, I hide behind the fact he was

my fiancé to keep in check every woman without concerning myself with their

ident.i.ties.

            …

… That’s why I failed.

“… I can’t act the way I have until

now. Because the one who is approaching the other is Soleil-sama.”

“… That’s, indeed, it’s true…”

            In

this life, Soleil is unashamedly visiting my little sister without being afraid

of what other people say. Since she was the frail sister of his fiancé, the

people in his entourage pretended to agree to the official stance it wasn’t

strange for him to meet her and enquire about her health. The two previous

times where they hid from the surroundings’ gazes and secretly exchanged their

feelings seemed to be lies. The two of them who felt guilty feelings at the

simple act of exchanging gazes were nowhere to be seen.

            Including

our parents who permit the two of them to repeatedly meet, it felt like there

is no one I know here.

            Isn’t

it like a distortion has been formed?

            My

second life had seemed to retrace the path of my first life. In this current

life, both Soleil and Silvia almost seem to act like two completely different

persons. 

            …

… No, they are two different persons, aren’t they? I wonder if this place is a totally

different world.

            …

If that’s the case.

            If

that’s the case, then, why I’m still like this?

            I

thought of all this while receiving the gaze of Al who was in front of me; his limpid

gaze hadn’t changed from my previous lives. I wonder if this person is truly

the escort I knew. Even that, I wasn’t sure of it anymore.

            My

life until that tea party, almost had no discrepancies with the first life that

is so to speak only related to me. That is why I’m still here like this, having

fallen in love with Soleil. At the moment we met, I fell in love with him, to

the extent that my feelings were strengthen by each word and gaze we exchanged,

despite them being so few.

            I

thought about it many times. If, only if, I had my memories from the start. I

wonder if I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Soleil?    

            Even

if I were to fall in love, in order to let go of that feeling, to not foster

that emotion, couldn’t I have lived while maintaining a moderate distance from

Soleil and Silvia?

            And

then, eventually.

            I

might have come to love someone who wasn’t Soleil. Even if that love had brought

me painful moments sometimes, in the end I would have built a family and formed

a married couple like how other imagine spouses should be. Such a thought pa.s.sed

through my mind.  

            However,

again and again, I fall in love without learning my lesson. That’s how it is. Because

as long as I remain myself, I can’t stop myself from falling in love with

Soleil. The original me who met him, was unaware of the destiny that was

awaiting me. Then, until that tea party where I introduce the two to each

other, I believe my love will be rewarded.

            …

… If my memories were to return, could I abandon my feelings? No, such a thing

is certainly impossible.

            Because

I’m a human who remember everything. Because I’m a person who cannot forget the

me who loved him. As my lives pills up, my feelings grow stronger. Emotions I

cannot forget are acc.u.mulating inside this body.

            The

feelings of my previous self, and of the one before too, of the one now, even

if they have already become the past, I cannot forget them.