The Third life and Thereafter – 1

“… … My child, where is he?”

A voice

sounding like it was absentmindedly dreaming was risen amidst the sunlight.

“Iria? What’s wrong?”

Soleil’s

pair of eyes tinged with a trace of harshness seized me. Silvia, who had

appeared much later than the appointed time, had just settle down on the

prepared seat. She tilted her head with perplexity and called out “Big sister?”

While keeping her figure at the edge of my vision, when I blinked once, I

recalled the scene of Soleil and Silvia exchanging words while gazing at each

other. The two of them sitting side-by-side and crossing their gazes, I

remembered that this made me felt like I was about to cry while thinking it was

some kind of mistake. I just looked on as Soleil’s pupils were reflecting

Silvia and he was smiling gently.

         … … What is this? What on earth are

you saying?

As if to

shake that floating sensation that was lingering at the back of my eyelids, I

casually put down the cup I was holding on its saucer. The porcelains stroke

against each other and made a big resounding noise, the overflowing black tea

spread on the tablecloth. Even though it was my own hand, I couldn’t move it

the way I wanted. The greatly shaking fingers grasped at the air. A lady should

not conduct herself in such a manner. But I didn’t care about that.

“Where is my child? Who took him?”

            My

own voice sounded distant. The scene spreading out in front of my eyes, was

that tea party where Soleil and Silvia met. No, that’s wrong. That was already

over. I gave birth to a child. Soleil’s child. I wonder, is it a boy, or a

girl? Which one is it? But I’m sure of it, I certainly did give birth. I,

sticking it out through the pain and suffering that were enough to die, I was

blessed with mine and Soleil’s child.  

“What are you saying Iria?”

            Soleil

stood up and seized me by the arm. No, I hate it, it hurts, let go. After such

a long time I finally have a use. Leave me alone. I gave birth to the child by

myself.

            While

spitting out incoherent words, I shook off Soleil’s hand and pulled the

tablecloth, searching for my child whose name I didn’t even know. The maids must

have taken him. Even though I told them to not use a wet nurse, was my opinion

not taken into account at all? Or did my parents in law put their hands in the

matter ahead of time and took him away?

I haven’t

held that child yet. I haven’t even seen his face.

“Give him back, Give me back my

child …  … !!”

            Confronted

with my screaming voice, Silvia lost her bearing and called out “Big sister!”

in confusion. As she was calling me with her usual sickly-sweet voice, she

asked me “What happened?” while clinging to my body. But with her too slender

arms, she couldn’t hold me back as I was struggling in madness. 

“Let go! Don’t touch me!”

            Yet,

at the moment my swinging arm was about to hit Silvia’s face, my instinct

kicked in and told me to not injure my little sister. While I was still

confusingly holding my arm stopped in mid-air, my lips arbitrary words out:

“Or is it you, is it you who

s.n.a.t.c.hed my child?”

“What are you saying… … ?”

“While stealing Soleil-sama from me,

you also took my child right…!”

            Give

him back, give him back, give him back! Give me back everything you stole away

from me! While screaming I grabbed Silvia thin arms. When I reflexively

loosened the strength of my fingers after seeing Silvia’s face distorted in

pain, this time it’s my arm which is twisted up by Soleil. Was it Silvia who

raised a scream, or myself?

“Stop it, Iria!”

            You

haven’t been married yet, you haven’t given birth to a child yet. n.o.body has

never stolen anything from you either. The admonis.h.i.+ng words Soleil said while

looking at my face pa.s.sed through my ears. In his eyes that normally shouldn’t

have been lit with the desire to clash with me, at some point a color of

contempt that I knew well had risen to the surface. I certainly saw the moment

his clever gaze was dyed by hatred.

“Give me back my child! My child,

this child is mine!”

            As

I was screaming without any concern for my own appearance, somewhere inside my

heart, one of me quietly muttered. Iria died. And then, it started once

again. 

“… … That’s not true! Different!

It’s different! It’s false! That’s not it!”

“… Iria!”

            My

seized arm made a crisps sound. I remembered that gesture devoid of

forgiveness. In order to silence that shouting mouth, Soleil’s big hand grabbed

my neck. Even if he didn’t squeeze, that violent action was enough to kill my

impetus.

“… No, I hate it, I’ve had enough, I

can’t, somebody, someone,”

            My

voice couldn’t form the words “help me.” Just like that certain day, my sobs

swallowed down such words. It was always the case. I was whole-heartedly

screaming. Help me, someone help me. Rescue me from here. But, that voice never

reached anyone.

            …

… That’s right, that’s how it was.  

            That’s

why I died. My words never reached anyone. My thoughts and emotions were

entirely crushed. Without having hold my child in my arms, without having

bestowed him a name, abandoned by the person I loved, all alone, without anyone

at my side I died… …

            My

voice made a shriek as I swallowed my breath and it resounded among that tea

party that had regained its silence before I knew it. Soleil kept grasping my

arm and was staring at me who had suddenly stopped moving.   

“… here is, why, I, on earth?”

            It

should have end. I should have finished everything. Yet, why.

            Why

am I standing here again?

            I

remember the color of the sky. And the sensation of the lawn, the full bloomed

roses too, the pattern of the tablecloth, and also the tea, and the prepared

pastries. The figure standing closely next to Soleil, the figure of my lovely little

sister who had come late, I remember it too. My eyes are burning these sights

into my memory. It’s “that tea party”. The beginning point. And also, the

point that spell my ending.

“Why, why?”

            Those

scenes that are not a tiny bit different from my memories, that they could be a

dream was maybe no more than my faint hopes. Illusions seen on the verge of

death, perhaps only a dream. However, my loudly pounding heart thrust on me the

reality that I was certainly alive here and now. At the instant I became aware

of this, abruptly my body temperature fell down. Even I knew my lips lost all

their colors.

“… Iria?”

            Soleil’s

perplexed voice called out to me. When was it? When was it that I thought that

his voice calling my name was truly lovely.

“… Big sister?”

            I

wondered when was it that I became unable to straightforwardly look in the

purple eyes of my little sister who admired me. My memories and thoughts were

trying to steal my consciousness.

            My

body staggered violently and fell.

            In

that interval, my escort who has been here since who knows when appeared without

a sound and hold me up in his arms while saying “Forgive me for my rudeness.”

Soleil who had been the one closest to me didn’t even support my body and

readily let go of my arm. In a tone of voice that didn’t change from usual nor

was lacking in calmness, my escort said, “Since my lady seems to be feeling

unwell, please grant her the permission to take her leave first.” That voice

sounded distant as if I was hearing it while diving at the bottom of the sea.

            Both

Soleil and Silvia only watched as I left my seat.

            Even

in my faintly shaking vision and absent-minded state, I kept repeating the

words “give me back my child.” I thought I should stop, but my lips kept

a.s.sembling words on their own accord. The hand of my escort which was

supporting my back rubbed it up and down in a gentle and soothing manner any

numbers of times. This was surely reality. It’s the reality. But I cannot

recognize it.

            I

couldn’t block the view of that tea party that was getting away, the view of

Soleil consoling the trembling Silvia who was lost in a daze. It would have

been enough to even blink once, only lowering my eyelids would have been sufficient,

but I couldn’t do it. The two persons cuddled close together. Their overlapping

silhouettes. Many, many times over I’ve been shown off that scene, and each

time it was burnt into my eyes.   

“… Al, where have you been until

now?”

            When

I muttered this with my eyes opened wide, his answer was returned without a trace

of doubts.

“…I’ve always been at your side.”

“No, you haven’t. I, called you.”

“If my lady calls for me, I will

come rus.h.i.+ng even if it’s from the other end of the world.”

“No, you didn’t come. You didn’t

come. I, was lonely, I gave birth by myself, and I died alone.”

“… My lady.”

“n.o.body was here. Besides me, no one,

was here.”

“… My lady, at all times, I am at

your side.”

“No, no.”

            I

understood my escort knight was matching his answers to my words. Even though

they were words devoid of any gist, he conscientiously answered them without advocating

a different opinion, without disregarding them. My head was able to understand

this properly. However, my mouth was arbitrarily uttering words different from

my thoughts. It was a sensation of having my heart and my flesh completely

detached from each other. Ah, I’ve already gone mad, concluded some part of me

who has remained clear-headed.  

“But that’s not good, Al. You mustn’t

be at my side.”

“… Why mustn’t I?”

“Because, cos.”

            “You’ll

die if you’re at my side,” tried to say my mouth, but the past me controlled it.

“I’m a human who should have already lost her life.” It warns me it’s something

that mustn’t be said. If he hears a disturbing thing such as “you might die”,

this too serious and kind escort knight will surely worry about it, there is no

doubts. And then, far from distancing himself from me, he’ll surely commit

himself to stay closer than ever. “If I might be in danger, then my master

might be in an even greater peril.” He is a man who would thing that way. A man

who, above all, pride himself in wielding his sword for the sake of protecting

someone. That’s why, in my first life, he got unavoidably dragged into his master's troubles.

“… My lady?”

“Again, it has started. I, again…”

            Again,

I’m incorrigibly in love with that person. Although the steps of my escort who

is heading to the mansion are constantly getting faster, in the opened air garden

they are no obstacles which would obstruct the location of that tea party.

Despite the fact it was getting away, I clearly saw Soleil’s hand hovering through

the air as if to touch my little sister. Although it should be a scene I already

became used to seeing, I got hurt every time.

“… My lady is probably exhausted. If

you rest in your room, you will get better.”

            Al’s

voice became distant. While I replied “That’s right” and “Since it’s you who

say it, I’ll surely get better” like it was somebody else’s problem, I knew a

moment when I’d be alright would never come. No matter what, the

self-confidence to claim “it’s the third time so this time everything will go

well” will never erupt. My previous life, and the one before too, had been more

than enough to overwhelm and beat me down.  

“But, if, if it’s not good, then…?”

            My

muttering voice tumbled down on the lawn.

“Al.”

“…”

            My

escort who no longer wanted to answer used his fingers to gently brush off the

hairs that are covering my face. When I looked up to see his face, it was

tinged with a clear anguish.

“Al, Al, please.”

“… What is it?”

“If I’m, If I say I’m already no

good”

“My heart, crush it.”

“My lady,”

“So that I’ll never feel anything

again.”

            So

that, never again, it’s wounded by someone.

“… Such a thing, I cannot do it.”

            I

cannot do it, never. My escort’s voice that muttered so became hoa.r.s.e. Just

like that other time, like that day he told me he would take me and run away.

*

*

            My

new life that had started this way, was always buried in confusion.

            I,

who had exposed a more outrageous disgrace than at the tea party in my first

life, was reprimanded by my parents and furthermore put under house arrest in

my room. While feeling a sense of déjà vu when I gazed at the cold glare mixed

with disappointment my parents directed at me, confined in my own room, I

simply spent time single-mindedly sorting out my memories. As I was persuading

myself this was reality, I reminisced my first and my second life and felt like

I was watching some dreams, and I hammered into my head the things I must do.  

            And

then, after a week had pa.s.sed, things completely returned back the way they

were before. No, I ought to say I succeeded to act like the me from before. On

the surface, I played the usual Iria, I behave as Soleil’s fiancé and served as

Silvia’s older sister.

“I apology for the mess I made at

the tea party. I am glad you were kind enough to let me atone for it.”

            Even

without making a conscious effort, those words extremely easily overflowed from

my lips. It was probably due to the experience I cultivate in my lives up till

there, but I thought I was truly doing it well.      

            …

… On the surface that is.

           For

example, when I was alone at night or when I was out of anyone’s line of sight,

that irrupted suddenly.

“You, you killed Silvia, right?!”

            My

former lives were revived vividly inside my head, blending together. When I was

in the darkness devoid of any light, when I remembered that narrow prison, my

body trembled and I shrank on myself, unable to move. The metallic sounds

reverberating from far away were the other prisoners’ voice drawn in madness. It’s

the sound of their yell begging to be released from here while they jolt the

iron grill. Suddenly, from head to toe, everything disappears. I notice no

voice comes out even when I try to raise a scream. Even a pathetic gulping

sound vanish in the dark.  

            When

I think it’s over, the crying voice of a newborn infant echoes from somewhere.

            Even

if I shout, even if I scream, even if I angrily roar, even if I jeer, no matter

what I do, the baby crying voice won’t leave my ears. It’s probably, surely,

the voice of the child I lost. That child must have grown well. But, at the

moment I died, I eternally parted with him. No matter how many times I repeat

my life, meeting the child I gave birth to that day will never happen for all

eternity.

            My

beloved, dearly beloved child. But I don’t even remember his face. No matter

how loved, precious and desired his existence is, my wish to grasp that child’s

hand will never come true.

But

sometimes, in my dreams or my phantasms, I’m holding my child in my own arms. Or

maybe I’m just copying the action of holding him.

            I’m broken. Somewhere in my head, I clearly

comprehend this. But everything is not broken. I was sane enough to comprehend the

fact I was broken.  

“That’s right, you are sane. When compared

to me, it’s an outrageous sanity.”

            …

… And then, as I kept going back and forth between dream and reality in that manner

it came along to my side. Trespa.s.sing from the window of my room, at first it imitated

the figure of a bird. It had black feathers, and a body considerably bigger

than the small birds you would catch sight of on early morning. It was an existence

which seemed it would melt in darkness if you didn’t concentrate your eyes on

it. At the beginning, it just flew around without a sound under the dark sky.

I didn’t know whether it had an aim or not. But, without I knew it, it

recklessly flew in and trespa.s.sed in my room.

            Before

long, it walked on the ground, and one day suddenly, it talked like a human.

“What’s your name? Ô captive

princess?”

            It

spoke to me with the voice of a young boy.

“Princess, do you now my name?”

“My name is Crow.”

            With

its small head tilted on the side, its yellow eyes were looking at me.

“The bird portentous of ill omen.”