Even I know

what is the fear of losing the person you love. Because more than anyone else,

more than anything else, from the bottom of my heart I was afraid of losing

Soleil. That was why I had made all the efforts I could to not be hated by him.

 “I, was I, wrong somewhere?”

            The

words that had involuntarily slipped out of my mouth unexpectedly reverberated

in the room that had fallen deadly silent.

“My lady?”

            The

man who had been my escort knight since my childhood raised his voice from the

corner of the room. The only person who was not using “madam”, but was

continuing to call me like when I had been unmarried, was him. I don’t know

why, but no matter how many times he was rebuked for it he never ceased to call

me like this. It may be because he had been together with me since I was a

child and he couldn’t see me as an adult woman, but my heart was stuck with the

impression he didn’t approve of me being Soleil’s wife. If it had been another

time, I would have been able to fend him off with a smile, but right now it was

impossible. Because if I let my guard down now I would start to cry, I tightly

closed my eyes to endure it.

            Since

the news announcing that Silvia was seriously ill had arrived, a week had pa.s.sed.

I heard that Silvia had somewhat managed to hang onto her life. However, it

seemed she wasn’t in a stable situation yet, even now she must remain under

constant observation. I heard there would always be someone staying beside her.

            Soleil

remained at Silvia’s side and didn’t come back to the estate.

            As

for me, due to intense morning sickness, I was in a state where I couldn’t

raise my head. Since that time when I collapsed in the entrance hall, I had

been confined in bed. Because there was the risk I would lose the child if I

overworked myself, the doctor had urged me to stay in bed for a while and to

take a complete rest. I knew I had to immediately head for my parents’ house

but it was a situation where even this much couldn’t be done with my own will

alone. My health was bad to that extent. If I were to ride a carriage, my

stomach would surely slowly be turned over.

            Even

so, if I had given priority to Silvia, if I had been an ordinary older sister,

I think I probably would have gone to see my little sister. My ideals were

telling me this was what it meant to be a family, to be a big sister. The

ideals I imagined were declaring this.

            But,

however.

            The

more days pa.s.sed by, the more I didn’t know what kind of expressions were good

to make when I would meet her. All the

more when I heard she was hanging onto her life. All the more when I heard her

consciousness has returned. All the more when I thought Soleil was surely by

her side. I have to go. Despite me thinking this, without knowing what att.i.tude

I should take, my legs refused to move. If it had been an unconscious Silvia,

indeed it would have been possible to see her while displaying the visage of a

kind big sister. I could have hold her powerless hand and prayed she would stay

alive. I could probably have closed all my real thoughts inside my heart and

acted the part of a praiseworthy big sister. However, in front of a Silvia who

has regain consciousness, I can’t predict what kind of conduct I’ll take.

            I

will surely blame that child. Even if I seal my words, with my eyes, I will

tell it to that child.

            Why

are you alive?

“Hey, can you come over for a bit?”

            I

called the escort who was standing near the door. He showed a slightly hesitant

look, but before long, he approached until a distance not far from the bed.

Originally, even if he was an escort, it’s not a praiseful thing for two persons

to be alone in a bedroom. But at the present time where the head of the

household is absent, most of the people were out, so there was no one to find

fault with it.

“I have a request I want to ask.”

“Yes, what is it?”

“… my hand, can you grasp it?”

“Oh, but, well… that’s…”

            I

made a bitter smile toward the escort who was clearly gazing at me in a

fl.u.s.ter.

“That’s right, as I thought it’s

impossible.”

            The

hand I had hold out lost its strength and fell down atop the bed. You could see

that my fingertips were losing their heat. 

“Say, Al.”

“… yes?”

“I, how long, should I persevere?”

“My lady,”

            When

I looked up, his clear blue eyes wavered. He had golden hairs and gentle

features. The only s.h.i.+eld that protects me. In my first life when I had been

arrested as a criminal, because he was my escort knight he was considered an

accomplice. By no means the charges that had been piled up were things a woman

could carried out by herself. Naturally. Because in the first place, they were

false accusations. In order to make these strained and inexplicable facts looks

consistent, he, who was upright and clean-handed, was arrested. The person who

informed me of it was a jailer whose name I didn’t know. He didn’t tell me out of

kindness. By your fault, a knight will die. I remember being told such a

sentence.

            That’s

why, in this life to avoid getting neither too close nor too distant, I

deliberately attempted to stay away from him. Because I didn’t want to involve

him in my life.

“It’s fine if you don’t hold my

hand, but can you stay here?”

“Yes, of course, my lady.”

            With

one knee on the floor, my escort that was now at the same height looked at me.

He had a gaze similar to the limpid waters of the surface of a lake. In the room

that was enveloped by a deadly silence, I had the feeling that our crossing lines of sight made a small noise similar to a creak.  

“Lady?”

“…What is it?”

 “I don’t mind ignoring some silly talk.”

“… What an awful way to phrase it.

Saying you’ll ignore it, it’s the same as telling you won’t listen to it.”

            I

laughed, as if I was seeing some tragic things, and slightly raised an eyebrow.

“If my lady wishes for it, I will

lend my hand at any time. If you truly desire it.”

“Hmm…”

“Because these hands will always

exist for my lady’s sake.” 

            No

matter how sweetly gentle his words sounded, they were words spat out as if to

crush me, and were demonstrating that this was something that would never be

tolerated. They had a different nuance than when I said I just wanted to hold

hand. It’s the weight behind the words. That is to say, in truth, he would

present his hand.

            It

meant he would grasp his sword, throw away his pride as a knight.   

            If

here and now I were to take his hand, running away probably wouldn’t be hard.

But the ruin that would befall runaways wasn’t hard to imagine. Because by

making an enemy out of the marquis house, we would have no place left to live. All the

more since this body is carrying the heir, there is no doubt the house would track

me down in a frenzy. For that family status, for that lineage, it was obvious

it would turn into a manhunt across the whole country. I couldn’t drag such a

gentle person into that kind of life. He was someone who had pile up a lot of

efforts to become a knight. Without doubts, he was the same as I who had been

raised to become the mistress of a marquis house. The path he traveled along

until here, I couldn’t let him threw it away just for my sake.

“I’ve listened to it. You’re right,

it really was some silly talk.”

“…”

            When

I said that, my escort knight laughed without any vigor. Enticing an elopement,

with the remark itself there was the possibility of being charged with a crime.

That’s why, when he said he would offer his hand, he had surely gathered a

considerable amount of resolution. Knowing such a deep resolution, I will not

take this hand. And from now on, I will never choose it.

            At

the moment I met Soleil, I decided to become his wife. That was the path that

had been decided by my surroundings, but I never once felt reluctant to follow

it. In the aristocrat society where political marriage devoid of feeling were

the norm, I thought that I, who could harbor affection for Soleil, was blessed

with good fortune. From my childhood I understood what were my role and duties,

but at the same time I had a dream. I believed that in a future where I was walking

side by side with the person I loved, there would be no flaw. I had the

intention to wait until the day he too, would develop feeling for me.

            Even

now, I was probably still pursuing that dream.

            Not

matter how much my expectations are betrayed, the image of a blessed future

that was once harbored in my chest won’t leave my heart. I understand how

foolish this is.

“That’s why, I’m sorry, Al.”

               I muttered this in the darkness that

encircled me as I had fallen half asleep. I didn’t know if my voice reached

him. No answer came from my escort knight.

            Please,

forgive the foolish me who ignored your resolution and called it a silly

talk.  

****************************

            Since

my health had considerably recovered, I, only one time, went to visit Silvia.

Soleil who had return to the estate for his work, requested me to go see her. I

was thinking he would certainly rebuke me and ask me why I hadn’t go yet, but it

ended in an anticlimactic way when I nodded in agreement without any energy.

            After

replying, I noticed the unnaturalness of the conversation. Normally, it should

be a scene where I, the older sister, must pet.i.tion Soleil. Where I request

earnestly of my husband to let me go cheer up my little sister who was

bedridden in illness. That way was certainly sounder. I wonder how good it

would have been if I had said I intended to go without being told to. But I

couldn’t say it. If it had been permitted, I didn’t want to meet. What kind of

face make, in what standpoint would it be good to meet that child? I didn’t

know. I couldn’t comprehend a single thing.

            “Please

come with me.” The words bounced inside my mouth then vanished.

            …

… Then in the end, after being asked to do so by Soleil, I went to see my

little sister.   

            My

parents’ house that I visited alone after a long time, was sunk in silence. Now

that the only light called Silvia was losing its radiance, the interior of the

mansion seemed to have been deprived of its glow.

            Silvia

was still in bed but she laughed and said she

was recovering enough to get up while being supported by mother. Under her eyes and in their outer corner was a

reddish tinge painful to look at. 

“Somehow, I’ve recovered enough to be able to talk.” Still, now, it

won’t be for long, tell me that trembling voice.

            When

I stepped inside my little sister’s room, I could see that the shadow of a

death that couldn’t be driven away was drawing near. Much weaker than before,

the appearance of my little sister who seemed to be breathing with difficulty

pierced me. Whether because she originally had a lovely face, or because she seemed

to be cladded in a shadow, even though she was lying sick in bed she was still

very beautiful.     

“Big sister, I’m sorry.”

            To

my little sister who muttered that while looking at me, with what kind of voice

should I answer? While thinking of what words to give to my little sister who

is close to dying that wouldn’t make me look like an inhuman person, I slightly

stroked my stomach. When I told him I was pregnant, Soleil who had return to

the mansion for his work just smiled and say “Is that so?” His face was

certainly smiling, but it was devoid of any strong feelings and his tone of

voice had been cold. He wasn’t rejoicing. He wasn’t repudiating it either. It

just seemed like he was indicating his thoughts of acknowledgement to his

subordinate for completing his mission.

“I, love Soleil-sama.”

            In

front of her chest, Silvia crossed her slender fingers that had become so thin

they looked like withered branches. She was looking like she was praying, like

she was repenting. On her cheeks that had thinned and lost color and yet

retained a last l.u.s.ter, one long tear was falling out.

“I, will soon die.”

            So,

that’s why please, forgive me.

            Hearing

Silvia tone of voice that was still clear despite her illness, an inappropriate

thought - since when did she stop calling him “big brother” - crossed my

mind. Mixed with the odor of medicine, I noticed the fragrance of Soleil’s

favorite black tea leaves was floating in the air. That’s how long a time he

spent in this place, looking at the decorations of a room that was typical of my

little sister with her young girl hobbies. It’s a little laughable to think

that brusque Soleil had spend time in this place, and I was jealous of my little

sister who retained him in that uncomfortable room.

“Big sister, I, am afraid of being

alone. I’m afraid of dying alone.”

            My

little sister voice pa.s.sed through my ears. I’ve never heard words that don’t

affect my heart this much. If it’s been decided you’ll die, will you be

forgiven no matter what you do? The persons who will soon die, must they be

granted forgiveness no matter what?

            In

the end, I couldn’t offer that mere single word to my little sister. Even if I

forgive her or don’t, even if I hate her or bear a grudge against her, even that

mere single word. I couldn’t even simply say I was glad she was alive.

            On

the night of that day, Soleil returned to the mansion to tell me that Silvia

was crying.  

“I heard you went to see Silvia.

What on earth did you tell her?”

            While

looking at his cold expression, I replied “nothing.” On top of being the only

word that I could find, it was the truth. Hearing this, Soleil made an expression

that showed a disappointment coming from the bottom of his heart and said “don’t

tell lies.”

            Don’t

tell lies.

            If

I think of all the things you’ve done so far, I can’t put any faith in your

words. With that face and voice of yours, you have schemed against many people.

            I’m

already fed up with this.

            To

begin with, that child, is it mine?

            …

… A coup de grace, was surely something like that sentence. You could kill

people without physically stabbing them with a blade. I felt like screaming,

but after all, I also didn’t feel like raising my voice. The world lost its

color. My heart was crushed.

            When

I noticed, once again, I was back on my bed.

“If things continue like this,

madam’s body will be put at risk. If it’s now, we can still make it in time.

You ought to give up on your child.”

The old

doctor took my hand with a face that could only be described as sorrowful.

Before I knew it, the only person who wouldn’t hesitate to grasp my hand was

him and only him.

“… no, doctor.”

            If

a possibility exists, then I won’t give up that child. Because surely, a child

that looks like Soleil will be born.

            I

will use that child to prove my innocence.

            Oh,

I see. That’s why Soleil has distanced himself from me?

            Suddenly,

everything made sense.

            It

was exactly as Soleil had said. To prove my love for Soleil, I stepped on too

many people. While making a face like it was nothing, unconcerned, I stepped on

anyone. Because at that time, I thought it was the thing I must do. Because

otherwise, it would have been hard to even protect my feelings. I intended to

follow the right path.  

            …

… And then, after several months, I gave birth to a child who had the same hair

color as Soleil.

            However,

I didn’t know his eyes color. I was barely able to give birth with great difficulties

but, without being able to hold the child in my arms, I died. Eventually, it

went the way the doctor had feared.

            At the moment when my consciousness was vanis.h.i.+ng, I felt that in the corner of

my field of vision which had narrowed, I saw the golden hairs of my escort, but

it could also have been an illusion. Before I had known it, the person who was

caring the responsibility of escorting me had been replaced. On my very last

moments, no one was left by my side. 

            Soleil

was attending to my little sister, even for the day the baby was given birth

to, he didn’t even come back to encourage his wife. Even as a vision, Soleil

didn’t come by my side.

            I’m

lonely.

            I’m

sad.

            Besides

Silvia who said she was afraid to die alone, Soleil was here.

            I’m

afraid. I too, was hopelessly afraid.  

            I

had enough. I don’t want these feelings never again. Being born again, I never

want to.

            In

such a world, I should surely not be alive.