* sup, ike * i talked to some a your teachers * you gotta write an essay or some s.h.i.t * you gotta do a list of problems outta some book * ms. harrad says don't worry about the test friday, you and her gonna talk about it when you get back, also she hope you get better * mr. cubaly want you to do some test while you in here but i got no idea how that suppose to happen so my advice is don't worry about it * you got mulholland drive in the mail from netflix so i watched it * that s.h.i.t is f.u.c.ked the f.u.c.k up, no joke * we gotta watch it once you get out of here * that s.h.i.t is crazy as h.e.l.l * lesbians and s.h.i.t * look at you * you gonna be a weak little b.i.t.c.h when you get outta here * you just lying in bed all d.a.m.n day * what else, what else * oh i went to see your girl again * she got a bald-a.s.s head right now * she look like darth vader without the helmet * chemo is no joke, son * she axed me for some of our films last time so i lent em to her * i dunno which ones, i gave her like ten of em * whoa * what the h.e.l.l are you yelling about?

* are you being serious right now? are you being serious with me right now?

* you need to calm your a.s.s down * you need to be toning this s.h.i.t down right about now * man, that girl has a d.a.m.n bag full of chemicals in her body right now, she need something to cheer her the h.e.l.l up, she happy as h.e.l.l about these films * i mean no she is not happy as h.e.l.l but she was smiling and s.h.i.t and that's a major improvement so don't be trying to b.i.t.c.h me out about this * yeah, that's right, tone it down * the f.u.c.k you think i'm gonna say no to this girl be dying out of cancer and s.h.i.t.

* d.a.m.n * this is what papa gaines would call an "extenuating circ.u.mstance," am i right * G.o.dd.a.m.n * look * you're being dumb as h.e.l.l but i do feel you * you know i don't like to show this s.h.i.t to no one * but you can't say no to this girl * i do feel you, but it's like, i dunno, you do not understand how much she like our dumba.s.s films, but she like the h.e.l.l out of em * so don't give me s.h.i.t * aight, i'm done * feel better, son

Dad

* Well, well, well.

* You seem rather jolly today!

* No, I know. I'm just making a little joke.

* No, it can't be much fun to be in here.

* Although you do get to lead a fairly decadent lifestyle, don't you.

* With the constant television, and the food brought to you, and the mountains of books.

* Not all who stay in hospitals enjoy such luxury.

* When I was hospitalized in the Amazon, the patients were all quartered together in a single room, and instead of television, all we had to watch for entertainment were the giant hairy spiders lying in wait for prey on the thatched ceiling, maybe eight feet above our faces.

* Spiders the size of your fist.

* Fangs glistening with venom.

* They each had hundreds of little black eyes that would twinkle dimly at night.

* And how they used to battle the wasps!

* Sometimes in the darkness a wasp would strike one of them, and in their struggle they would come tumbling down onto the bed, biting and stinging and thrashing and- * OK. OK.

* It's just something to think about.

Earl accompanied by Derrick

* sup * 'Sup, Greg.

* derrick was like, yo, earl, do they got candy at the hospital * Yeah I was like, if I don't get to eat candy, I go bah-serk.

* so we brought you some skittles and a couple airheads * There was three but I ate one.

* yeah * Yo, lemme sign your cast one time.

* if you don't like these flavors obviously you can just give em back to us * There ...we...go. HA-HA!

* G.o.dd.a.m.n derrick what the f.u.c.k * t.i.tTIES.

* you did not just draw a pair of bare-a.s.s-naked t.i.tties on greg's f.u.c.king cast * no it ain't awright, don't be saying it's awright * YA BURNT.

* G.o.ddammit * we gotta go Madison * h.e.l.lo!

* I and my b.o.o.bs are in your room with you!!

Yeah. Madison Hartner visited me in the hospital. Actually, I'm gonna stop doing this stupid bullet-point thing and just describe what happened with Madison. For a while I got tired of writing the normal way, but now I'm also tired of writing the bullet-point way. We really are caught between a rock and a hard place here.

If after reading this book you come to my home and brutally murder me, I truly do not blame you.

Obviously, Madison didn't come out and say, "I am really hot and I am in your room with you," but that was the takeaway for me. I had no reason to expect her, so when she appeared in the doorway with her hair all cut short in this s.e.xy way and she was wearing a halter top and looking like a s.e.x G.o.ddess, for about thirty seconds I wasn't even really able to say anything. I was painfully aware that prolonged hospital exposure was causing me to achieve new and historic levels of pastiness.

"Hey, Alien Researcher."

"Huh," I said.

"I heard you got your arm broken by an alien while you were out in the field."

For a moment I had no idea what this meant, and I was worried that it was a racist comment about Earl's brothers. But this was just because I wasn't thinking clearly. I know it's an annoying stereotype that hot girls make you bad at thinking, but seriously, they do. It's like they produce nerve gas somehow. Anyway, eventually I remembered what she was talking about.

"Oh yeahhhhh."

"Oh yeah?"

"I forgot that I made that joke."

"You forgot?"

"Yeah, I got my arm broken. I was trying to collect some barf."

"Right, like you were telling us."

"Yeah, this alien was so excited to share his barf that he started whipping his tentacles around in a frenzy, and that's how it happened."

"Sounds dangerous."

"That's what true science is. It's extremely dangerous. But at least this s.p.a.ce alien felt bad about it. He sent one of his alien brothers to visit me and the alien brother drew me this mystical hieroglyph on my cast. Check it out. It says, 'My heart aches with the regretful sorrow of a thousand moons,' in this really touching and beautiful alien language. Unfortunately, to us it looks like b.o.o.bs."

Let's be honest: No girl is ever going to be that interested in a crude drawing of b.o.o.bs. Like I said before, I can really only turn it on around less attractive girls and older women. Around hot girls, I am a mess. But Madison was giggling a little. And maybe it wasn't even out of politeness.

Then Madison said something with her beautiful lipsticky mouth that I didn't register immediately.

"Hey, I was just visiting Rachel and she was watching one of your movies."

This took a few moments to sink in. And then suddenly a section of my heart felt like it was eating itself.

"Oh. Uh . . . Yeah. Uh-huh."

"Sorry?"

"No, that's, uh, yeah. Yeahhhhhh."

"Greg, what's wrong?"

"No, it's great. Well, I mean, it's fine."

"She was really enjoying it."

"Which, um, one?"

My whole body was sweating. Like, my ears were full of sweat. Additionally, it felt like my hair was trying to uproot itself and escape from my head.

"She wouldn't tell me! She wouldn't even show it to me. She shut it off as soon as I walked in."

OK. This was a relief.

"Ohhh."

"She says she's not allowed to show them to anyone."

OK. Thank G.o.d. I was still freaking out-I was thinking, Madison knows that me and Earl make films, she'll inevitably tell someone about it, and soon it'll be this big weird secret thing that everyone knows-but it was also somehow comforting to have further proof that Rachel understood how I felt about the films.

"She told me that you and Earl want them to stay secret for some reason."

Rachel really did understand. That was indisputable. You had to respect that. She wasn't a filmmaker, but she had spent so much time listening to me that I guess she pretty much knew exactly how I felt about certain things, and you can't deny that it feels nice when someone knows you that well. I forced myself to relax a little bit.

"Yeah," I said. "We're pretty weird about it. I guess we're perfectionists."

Madison was quiet, but something about the way she was looking at me made me also shut up. So we both shut up for a little while. Then she said, "You have been such a good friend to Rachel. I think it's so amazing what you've been doing."

Unfortunately, this was where the Hot Girl Nerve Gas really started to take effect. Specifically, I entered Excessive Modesty Mode. Nothing is stupider and more ineffective than Excessive Modesty Mode. It is a mode in which you show that you're modest by arguing with someone who is trying to compliment you. Essentially, you are going out of your way to try to convince someone that you're a jerk.

I am the Thomas Edison of conversational stupidity.

So yeah, Madison said, "You have been such a good friend to Rachel. I think it's so amazing what you've been doing."

And obviously the best possible response for me was: "Eh. I dunno about that."

"No, you should hear the way she talks about you."

"I really can't have been that good of a friend."

"Greg, that's ridiculous."

"No, like . . . I dunno. I go to her place and just talk about myself the whole time. I'm a bad listener."

"Well, it's really cheering her up."

"It can't be cheering her up that much."

"Greg. It totally is."

"Uh, I really doubt it."

"Are you serious right now?"

"Yeah."

"Greg, she told me. That you've been an awesome friend."

"Well, maybe she's just lying."

"You think she's lying? Why would she lie?"

"Uhhhh."

"Greg. Oh my G.o.d. I can't believe you're arguing about this. She loves your movies, and you've given them to her, even though you won't let anyone else watch them, and that by itself is really amazing. So just shut up."

"I'm just saying."

"Why would she lie about you being a good friend, Greg, that's insane."

"I dunno. Girls are weird."

"No. You're weird."

"No, you're weird. I'm the only normal one."

This made Madison giggle suddenly.

"Oh my G.o.d, Greg, you're so weird. I love that about you, that you're so weird."