"It's fine. Never mind."

"This t.i.tle don't have to be all clever and s.h.i.t. We could just call it Two Poncy Dudes."

"Actually that's not bad!"

"Ponce-a.s.s Dudes on Vacation. Simple as h.e.l.l."

"That's perfect. So I think you should be Withnail."

"Withnearl."

"Yeah. So I think the plot is pretty straightforward. Most of the time you're drinking and then freaking out."

"Lighter fluid and s.h.i.t."

"Yeah, that scene is going to be awesome."

"I'm also gonna be that gay uncle. Draw a fake mustache and pretend to be all fat and s.h.i.t. Be like, Boy, I'm gay as h.e.l.l. I'ma f.u.c.k you."

At the end of the movie, Withnail is bellowing at some wolves in the zoo. This scene was on our minds for some reason, so we decided to shoot it first. However, we didn't have access to wolves. Instead, we decided that Earl should try bellowing at Doopie, the Jacksons' big terrifying dog. This meant we had to go to Earl's house.

"Maybe when we done with this we should visit Rachel at the hospital," Earl commented as we got on our bikes.

"Oh," I said. "Yeah. I don't know if today's OK to visit or when visiting hours are or whatever."

"I called em," said Earl. "We can show up anytime before seven."

This was sort of surprising to me, and I was thinking about it on the ride to Earl's. I mean, deep down, Earl is obviously a much better person than I am. But I still didn't expect him to go to the trouble of calling the hospital for visiting hours and stuff. I guess it's not really that hard to make a five-minute phone call, but it still struck me as something I wouldn't have done unless someone made me do it.

Then I continued thinking about it and I got kind of depressed that I don't even have my s.h.i.t enough together to call the hospital and figure out when I can go visit. I really needed to step it up, or I was going to be the worst friend in the history of dying girls.

Basically I was thinking, thank G.o.d for Earl. Because I don't really have a moral compa.s.s and I need to rely on him for guidance, or else I might accidentally become like a hermit or a terrorist or something. How f.u.c.ked up is that? Am I even a human? Who the h.e.l.l knows.

INT. JACKSON LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON MAXWELL.

Roll your d.a.m.n pants down.

EARL.

I biked over here.

MAXWELL.

No one wants to see your weird-a.s.s socks.

EARL.

n.o.body care about my socks.

MAXWELL.

angrily No one wants to see them nasty socks.

On our way in, we stumbled into Maxwell, one of Earl's half brothers. Earl had his pant legs rolled up. This caused Maxwell to become enraged.

If you are confused as to why this would cause Maxwell to become enraged, that is totally understandable. I've learned over the years that basically anything can get anyone in the Jackson house enraged.

Cause: Madden '08 disc is scratched

Effect: Maxwell hurls Brandon into the television Cause: Humidity Effect: Felix uses Derrick's forehead to inflict damage on Devin's face Cause: There is a bird outside Effect: Brandon strides around aiming blows indiscriminately at people's t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es When a fight breaks out, everyone is fair game, and unfortunately that includes the doughy, slow-moving white kid. As a result, my reflexes at Chez Jackson have become pretty quick. The moment someone takes off their shoe to hit someone else in the face, or someone else has their elbow in another kid's mouth, I am halfway out the exit. If we're not near an exit, I try to hide behind some furniture, although then when it gets shoved into a wall, sometimes I become part of that wall.

Anyway, Maxwell put Earl in a headlock and punched his head while Earl thrashed around. The commotion attracted the attention of several brothers, including Brandon, the thirteen-year-old psychopath with the "TRU n.i.g.g.a" neck tattoo. He came hurtling down the stairs like a missile with elbows. His teeth were bared, and his eyes were locked on mine. I made a small shrieking noise and turned to run.

Maxwell and Earl were in Brandon's way, so I actually did make it out of the door before Brandon was able to elbow me in the head. The problem is, I got too excited. When I got to the end of the porch, instead of jumping, I sort of dove, as in, headfirst.

There's a convention in films where, when someone is flying through the air, time slows down. The person gets to observe all of the various details of their environment, reconsider their course of action, maybe even contemplate the notion of G.o.d. Anyway, this convention is a lie. If anything, time sped up. My feet left the porch and immediately I was lying all sc.r.a.ped up on some cement with a broken arm. Almost as immediately, Brandon was standing over me.

"Yeah, n.i.g.g.a," he piped, in his not-all-the-way-dropped thirteen-year-old voice. "Yeah, clumsy b.i.t.c.h." He kicked me kind of halfheartedly.

"OW," I said. This angered him. He kicked me harder.

"Shut the h.e.l.l up," he said, but the second kick actually hurt a lot, so I began screaming. This made Brandon slap my face repeatedly. Fortunately, Felix had just arrived on the scene, and according to his own mysterious logic, his reaction to what he saw was to grab Brandon by the head and throw him across the yard.

He turned to me. We stared at each other. His eyes were cold with disgust.

Eventually, he said: "f.u.c.k outta here," and walked back into the house.

So, that was how I came to be in the same hospital as Rachel. Although it was a completely different wing of the hospital-hers was the chemotherapy area, and mine was the broken-arm-that-had-somehow-become-infected area. No one seemed to know how my broken arm got infected. Pretty quickly I stopped asking about it. I was worried I would find out that there were other basic medical facts that the nurses didn't know, like where skin comes from, or how surgery works.

But yeah, my broken arm got infected, and I ran a fever, and all of that meant a lengthy stay in the hospital. And that meant visitors. Each of these visitors had various points to make.

Mom

* Poor, poor sweetie.

* We're gonna get you out of here soon.

* Oh, my poor brave boy.

* You must be so bored.

* Here are some books that I collected at random from your room or the library.

* I'll just put these books on top of those other books from last time.

* You have to make sure to do your schoolwork.

* You have to make sure to tell the nurses if anything feels funny.

* If you have even the slightest headache, you need to get on the phone and call the nurses right away because it might be meningitis.

* I said it might be meningitis.

* Meningitis is a fatal brain disease, and in hospitals you're sometimes more vulnerable to- * You know what, I don't want to scare you with this.

* Just if you have even the tiniest headache, call the nurses.

* I'm just being crazy, but seriously, call them.

* Does your phone work?

* Let me just see if it works.

Mom accompanied by Gretchen

* We thought we'd come here and cheer you up.

* Gretchen, do you want to say anything to your brother?

* Gretchen, can you just cooperate for fifteen minutes.

* Gretchen. This is not a game.

* I can't believe you refuse to cooperate even with this.

* Just go wait outside then. You are really being awful. You are being just awful and I wish I knew why. I'll be outside in five minutes.

* Jesus.

Mom accompanied by Grace

* Grace drew you a picture!

* It's a picture of Cat Stevens!

* It's a what? Oh.

* It's a bear.

* Grace drew you a very handsome bear.

Earl