_Lord Fop. [Aside_.] Now I will put on a philosophic air, and show these people, that it is not possible to put a man of my quality out of countenance.--[_Aloud_.] Dear Tam, since things are fallen out, pr'ythee give me leave to wish thee joy; I do it _de bon coeur_, strike me dumb! You have married into a family of great politeness and uncommon elegance of manners, and your bride appears to be a lady beautiful in person, modest in her deportment, refined in her sentiments, and of nice morality, split my windpipe!

_Miss Hoyd_. By goles, husband, break his bones if he calls me names!

_Fash_. Your lordship may keep up your spirits with your grimace, if you please; I shall support mine, by Sir Tunbelly's favour, with this lady and three thousand pounds a year.

_Lord Fop_. Well, adieu, Tam!--Ladies, I kiss your, hands!-- Sir Tunbelly, I shall now quit this thy den; but while I retain the use of my arms, I shall ever remember thou art a demned horrid savage; Ged demn me! [_Exit_.]

_Sir Tun_. By the ma.s.s, 'tis well he's gone--for I should ha' been provoked, by-and-by, to ha' dun un a mischief. Well, if this is a lord, I think Hoyden has luck on her side, in troth.

_Col. Town_. She has, indeed, Sir Tunbelly.--But I hear the fiddles; his lordship, I know, has provided 'em.

_Love_. Oh, a dance and a bottle, Sir Tunbelly, by all means!

_Sir Tun_. I had forgot the company below; well--what--we must be merry, then, ha? and dance and drink, ha? Well, 'fore George, you shan't say I do these things by halves. Son-in-law there looks like a hearty rogue, so we'll have a night on't: and which of these ladies will be the old man's partner, ha?--Ecod, I don't know how I came to be in so good a humour.

_Ber_. Well, Sir Tunbelly, my friend and I both will endeavour to keep you so: you have done a generous action, and are ent.i.tled to our attention. If you should be at a loss to divert your new guests, we will a.s.sist you to relate to them the plot of your daughter's marriage, and his lordship's deserved mortification; a subject which perhaps may afford no bad evening's entertainment.

_Sir Tun_. Ecod, with all my heart; though I am a main bungler at a long story.

_Ber_. Never fear; we will a.s.sist you, if the tale is judged worth being repeated; but of this you may be a.s.sured, that while the intention is evidently to please, British auditors will ever be indulgent to the errors of the performance. [Exeunt omnes.]

THE CRITIC; OR, A TRAGEDY REHEa.r.s.eD _A DRAMATIC PIECE IN THREE ACTS_ TO MRS. GREVILLE _MADAM_,--In requesting your permission to address the following pages to you, which, as they aim themselves to be critical, require every protection and allowance that approving taste or friendly prejudice can give them, I yet ventured to mention no other motive than the gratification of private friendship and esteem. Had I suggested a hope that your implied approbation would give a sanction to their defects, your particular reserve, and dislike to the reputation of critical taste, as well as of poetical talent, would have made you refuse the protection of your name to such a purpose. However, I am not so ungrateful as now to attempt to combat this disposition in you. I shall not here presume to argue that the present state of poetry claims and expects every a.s.sistance that taste and example can afford it; nor endeavour to prove that a fastidious concealment of the most elegant productions of judgment and fancy is an ill return for the possession of those endowments. Continue to deceive yourself in the idea that you are known only to be eminently admired and regarded for the valuable qualities that attach private friendships, and the graceful talents that adorn conversation. Enough of what you have written has stolen into full public notice to answer my purpose; and you will, perhaps, be the only person, conversant in elegant literature, who shall read this address and not perceive that by publishing your particular approbation of the following drama, I have a more interested object than to boast the true respect and regard with which I have the honour to be, Madam, your very sincere and obedient humble servant, R. B. SHERIDAN.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE AS ORIGINALLY ACTED AT DRURY LANE THEATRE IN 1779

SIR FRETFUL PLAGIARY. _Mr. Parsons_.

PUFF. _Mr. King_.

DANGLE. _Mr. Dodd_ SNEER. _Mr. Palmer_.

SIGNOR PASTICCIO RITORNELLO. _Mr. Delpini_.

INTERPRETER. _Mr. Baddeley_.

UNDER PROMPTER. _Mr. Phillimore_.

MR. HOPKINS. _Mr. Hopkins_.

MRS. DANGLE. _Mrs. Hopkins_.

SIGNORE PASTICCIO RITORNELLO. _Miss Field and the Miss Abrams_.

Scenemen, Musicians, _and_ Servants.

CHARACTERS OF THE TRAGEDY

LORD BURLEIGH. _Mr. Moody_.

GOVERNOR OF TILBURY FORT. _Mr. Wrighten_.

EARL OF LEICESTER. _Mr. Farren_.

SIR WALTER RALEIGH. _Mr. Burton_.

SIR CHRISTOPHER HATTON. _Mr. Waldron_.

MASTER OF THE HORSE. _Mr. Kenny_.

DON FEROLO WHISKERANDOS. _Mr. Bannister, jun_.

BEEFEATER. _Mr. Wright_.

JUSTICE. _Mr. Packer_.

SON. _Mr. Lamash_.

CONSTABLE. _Mr. Fawcett_.

THAMES. _Mr. Gawdry_.

TILBURINA. _Miss Pope_.

CONFIDANT. _Mrs. Bradshaw_.

JUSTICE's LADY. _Mrs. Johnston_.

FIRST NIECE. _Miss Collett_.

SECOND NIECE. _Miss Kirby_.

Knights, Guards, Constables, Sentinels, Servants, Chorus, Rivers, Attendants, &c., &c.

SCENE--LONDON: _in_ DANGLES _House during the First Act, and throughout the rest of the Play in_ DRURY LANE THEATRE.

PROLOGUE BY THE HONOURABLE RICHARD FITZPATRICK

THE sister Muses, whom these realms obey, Who o'er the drama hold divided sway, Sometimes by evil counsellors, 'tis said, Like earth-born potentates have been misled.

In those gay days of wickedness and wit, When Villiers criticised what Dryden writ, The tragic queen, to please a tasteless crowd, Had learn'd to bellow, rant, and roar so loud, That frighten'd Nature, her best friend before, The bl.u.s.tering beldam's company foreswore; Her comic sister, who had wit 'tis true, With all her merits, had her failings too: And would sometimes in mirthful moments use A style too flippant for a well-bred muse; Then female modesty abash'd began To seek the friendly refuge of the fan, Awhile behind that slight intrenchment stood, Till driven from thence, she left the stage for good.

In our more pious, and far chaster times, These sure no longer are the Muse's crimes!

But some complain that, former faults to shun, The reformation to extremes has run.

The frantic hero's wild delirium past, Now insipidity succeeds bombast: So slow Melpomene's cold numbers creep, Here dulness seems her drowsy court to keep, And we are scarce awake, whilst you are fast asleep.

Thalia, once so ill-behaved and rude, Reform'd, is now become an arrant prude; Retailing nightly to the yawning pit The purest morals, undefiled by wit!

Our author offers, in these motley scenes, A slight remonstrance to the drama's queens: Nor let the G.o.ddesses be over nice; Free-spoken subjects give the best advice.

Although not quite a novice in his trade, His cause to-night requires no common aid.

To this, a friendly, just, and powerful court, I come amba.s.sador to beg support.

Can he undaunted brave the critic's rage?

In civil broils with brother bards engage?

Hold forth their errors to the public eye, Nay more, e'en newspapers themselves defy?

Say, must his single arm encounter all?

By number vanquish'd, e'en the brave may fall; And though no leader should success distrust, Whose troops are willing, and whose cause is just; To bid such hosts of angry foes defiance, His chief dependence must be, your alliance.

ACT I.

SCENE I.--_A Room in_ DANGLE's _House_.

Mr. _and_ MRS. DANGLE _discovered at breakfast, and reading newspapers_.

_Dang. [Reading.] Brutus to Lord North.--Letter the second on the State of the Army_--Psha! _To the first L dash D of the A dash Y.--Genuine extract of a Letter from St. Kitt's.--c.o.xheath Intelligence.--It is now confidently a.s.serted that Sir Charles Hardy_--Psha! nothing but about the fleet and the nation!--and I hate all politics but theatrical politics.--Where's the Morning Chronicle?

_Mrs. Dang_. Yes, that's your Gazette.

_Dang_. So, here we have it.--[_Reads.] Theatrical intelligence extraordinary.--We hear there is a new tragedy in rehearsal at Drury Lane Theatre, called the Spanish Armada, said to be written by Mr. Puff, a gentleman well-known in the theatrical world. If we may allow ourselves to give credit to the report of the performers, who, truth to say, are in general but indifferent judges, this piece abounds with the most striking and received beauties of modern composition.--_So! I am very glad my friend Puff's tragedy is in such forwardness.--Mrs. Dangle, my dear, you will be very glad to hear that Puff's tragedy-- _Mrs. Dang_. Lord, Mr. Dangle, why will you plague me about such nonsense?--Now the plays are begun I shall have no peace.-- Isn't it sufficient to make yourself ridiculous by your pa.s.sion for the theatre, without continually teasing me to join you? Why can't you ride your hobby-horse without desiring to place me on a pillion behind you, Mr. Dangle?

_Dang_. Nay, my dear, I was only going to read-- _Mrs. Dang_. No, no; you will never read anything that's worth listening to. You hate to hear about your country; there are letters every day with Roman signatures, demonstrating the certainty of an invasion, and proving that the nation is utterly undone. But you never will read anything to entertain one.

_Dang_. What has a woman to do with politics, Mrs. Dangle?

_Mrs. Dang_. And what have you to do with the theatre, Mr.

Dangle? Why should you affect the character of a critic? I have no patience with you!--haven't you made yourself the jest of all your acquaintance by your interference in matters where you have no business? Are you not called a theatrical Quidnunc, and a mock Maecenas to second-hand authors?

_Dang_. True; my power with the managers is pretty notorious. But is it no credit to have applications from all quarters for my interest--from lords to recommend fiddlers, from ladies to get boxes, from authors to get answers, and from actors to get engagements?

_Mrs. Dang_. Yes, truly; you have contrived to get a share in all the plague and trouble of theatrical property, without the profit, or even the credit of the abuse that attends it.

_Dang_. I am sure, Mrs. Dangle, you are no loser by it, however; you have all the advantages of it. Mightn't you, last winter, have had the reading of the new pantomime a fortnight previous to its performance? And doesn't Mr. Fosbrook let you take places for a play before it is advertised, and set you down for a box for every new piece through the season? And didn't my friend, Mr. Smatter, dedicate his last farce to you at my particular request, Mrs. Dangle?

_Mrs. Dang_. Yes; but wasn't the farce d.a.m.ned, Mr. Dangle?

And to be sure it is extremely pleasant to have one's house made the motley rendezvous of all the lackeys of literature; the very high 'Change of trading authors and jobbing critics!--Yes, my drawing-room is an absolute register-office for candidate actors, and poets without character.--Then to be continually alarmed with misses and ma'ams piping hysteric changes on Juliets and Dorindas, Pollys and Ophelias; and the very furniture trembling at the probationary starts and unprovoked rants of would-be Richards and Hamlets!--And what is worse than all, now that the manager has monopolized the Opera House, haven't we the signors and signoras calling here, sliding their smooth semibreves, and gargling glib divisions in their outlandish throats--with foreign emissaries and French spies, for aught I know, disguised like fiddlers and figure dancers?

_Dang_. Mercy! Mrs. Dangle!

_Mrs. Dang_. And to employ yourself so idly at such an alarming crisis as this too--when, if you had the least spirit, you would have been at the head of one of the Westminster a.s.sociations--or trailing a volunteer pike in the Artillery Ground! But you--o' my conscience, I believe, if the French were landed to-morrow, your first inquiry would be, whether they had brought a theatrical troop with them.

_Dang_. Mrs. Dangle, it does not signify--I say the stage is _the mirror of Nature_, and the actors are _the Abstract and brief Chronicles of the Time_: and pray what can a man of sense study better?--Besides, you will not easily persuade me that there is no credit or importance in being at the head of a band of critics, who take upon them to decide for the whole town, whose opinion and patronage all writers solicit, and whose recommendation no manager dares refuse.

_Mrs. Dang_. Ridiculous!--Both managers and authors of the least merit laugh at your pretensions.--The public is their critic--without whose fair approbation they know no play can rest on the stage, and with whose applause they welcome such attacks as yours, and laugh at the malice of them, where they can't at the wit.

_Dang_. Very well, madam--very well!

_Enter_ SERVANT.

_Ser_. Mr. Sneer, sir, to wait on you.

_Dang_. Oh, show Mr. Sneer up.--[_Exit_ SERVANT.]-- Plague on't, now we must appear loving and affectionate, or Sneer will hitch us into a story.

_Mrs. Dang_. With all my heart; you can't be more ridiculous than you are.

_Dang_. You are enough to provoke-- _Enter_ SNEER.