[_MELISSA opens the door. The BAILIFF is seen._

BAILIFF. May I enter, madam?

MELISSA. Come in, Master Bailiff.

_Enter BAILIFF._

COUNTESS. Good day, Master Bailiff.

BAILIFF [_agitated_]. I hope I do not intrude on your ladyship, but I come on a pressing matter----

COUNTESS. What is it?

BAILIFF. My coat, madam.

COUNTESS. WHAT!

BAILIFF. I beg your ladyship to look at it--there is a large tear in it.

COUNTESS. A somewhat unseemly sight--I should have thought you would have begged me not to look at it.

BAILIFF. But it is your gander, my lady.

COUNTESS. What is my gander?

BAILIFF. My coat.

COUNTESS. Your coat is my gander, Bailiff? You are talking wildly.

BAILIFF. It is no wonder, madam. It was the Gander did it. [_Showing tear on coat._] I have been attacked by that vicious bird----

COUNTESS. And wounded in the coat tails!

[_COUNTESS and MELISSA laugh._

BAILIFF. It does not seem a laughing matter to me, your ladyship.

Something must be done.

COUNTESS. With a needle and thread. There, I quite agree with you.

BAILIFF. No, madam--with a big stick. Something must be done to make the Gander behave better.

COUNTESS. I am sorry you don't like the Gander, Bailiff. I always find him very pleasant.

BAILIFF. I regret that your ladyship is inclined to make such a companion of him. He really seems to consider he is on an equality with your ladyship.

COUNTESS. On an equality with me! You are impertinent, sir. No one is on an equality with me in this castle. But I have a warm regard for the Gander, and I consider that you have insulted us both by your complaints. [_A noise at the door._] Melissa!

[_MELISSA hastens to open the door. The GANDER and DRAKE are seen in the doorway. They both bow._

MELISSA. Oh!

COUNTESS. Come in, both of you.

BAILIFF. What, even here! Miserable birds, how dare you!

[_GANDER and DRAKE hiss and squawk._

COUNTESS. You forget yourself, Bailiff. This is not your house. I beg that you will apologise at once for your rudeness to us all. Down on your knees at once and pray for forgiveness.

BAILIFF. I am willing to apologise to you, madam, but not to the Gander, and I will not go on my knees, even to your ladyship.

COUNTESS. Do you hear that, Gander? There stands an old man----

BAILIFF. Old man, madam?

COUNTESS. Yes, old, compared to the Gander--who will not say his prayers. Take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.

[_Fight. The BAILIFF hits the GANDER and DRAKE with his stick.

They flap and peck. MELISSA opens the door of the secret staircase. The BAILIFF falls with his legs through the doorway.

They drag him out and a great noise of tumbling is heard. Then they come in again._

COUNTESS. Thank you, Gander. Now we will go for a nice walk and you shall choose it. You shall take me to your favourite place.

[_The GANDER and DRAKE both shake their heads sadly._

COUNTESS. What is it? Something wrong? Dear me, I wish you could speak.

Lead the way then. Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander?

[_Walk round with steps and out._

CURTAIN

[Ill.u.s.tration: 4. GOOSEY GANDER.

Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall we wander? Upstairs and downstairs, in my lady's chamber. There I saw an old man who wouldn't say his prayers, take him by the left leg and throw him downstairs.]

ORANGES AND LEMONS

CHARACTERS

MRS. CARR KITTY, _her daughter_ Sh.o.r.eDITCH BOY ST. MARTIN'S BOY OLD BAILEY BOY STEPNEY BOY BOW BOY NEIGHBOURS