[Ill.u.s.tration: _Visitor._ "And so you've never been to London! Oh, but you must go. It's quite an easy journey, you know."

_Gaffer Stokes._ "Ah, Oi'd main loike to see Lunnon, Oi wud. Reckon Oi must go afore Oi'm done for. _Now which moight be their busy day there,_ mister?"]

TO INTENDING TOURISTS--"Where shall we go?" All depends on the "coin of 'vantage." Switzerland? Question of money. Motto.--_"Point d'argent point de Suisse."_

SCENE--_On the Quay. Ocean liner's syren fog-horn emitting short, sharp grunts._

_Little Girl._ Oh, mamma, that _poor_ ship must have a drefful pain in its cabin!

WASTED SYMPATHY.--SCENE--_Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady_ (_to gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow pa.s.senger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle_). Oh!

Excuse me, sir, but, _please_ don't put _that_ near the hot-water bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.

_Elderly Gentleman_ (_who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals_).

Good Heavens, madam! a bird in there! Please consider! How cruel! how inhuman! how----(_gasps for words_).

_Lady._ Not at all, my dear sir. _It's a roast partridge, cold, for lunch._

[_Collapse of Enthusiast._

UNPLEASANTLY SUGGESTIVE NAMES OF "CURE" PLACES ABROAD.--_Bad Gastein._ Which must be worse than the first day's sniff at Bad-Eggs-la-Chapelle.

ROTATORY KNIFE (AND FORK) MACHINES.--Pullman dining cars.

THE LINE WHICH IS OFTEN DRAWN.--The Equator.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THOROUGH BUT NOT PEDANTIC. (_Overheard at the Louvre._)--_American Tourist_ (_suspiciously_). "Say, guide, haven't we seen this room before?"

_Guide._ "Oh no, monsieur."

_Tourist._ "Well, see here. We want to see everything, but we don't want to see anything twice!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MODERN ACCOMPLISHMENTS.--_Captain Brown_ (_narrating his trip to the Continent_). "Then, of course, we ran down to Granada, and saw the Alhambra----"

_Captain Jinks_ (_untravelled athlete_). "No!! What, have they got one there too!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FILIAL ANXIETY. "Going to Paris to-morrow, Tom!"

"How's that?"

"My poor old governor's taken ill there!"

"Going by Dieppe or Boulogne?"

"Rather think I shall go _via Monaco_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OVERDOING IT

_Sympathiser._ "Sorry you look so seedy after your holiday, old chap!"

_Too Energetic Sight-seer._ "Well, I am a bit done up, but the doctor says that with rest and great care I may be well enough to have a run-round as usual next year."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Gushing Young Lady_ (_to Mr. Dunk, who has just returned from Rome_). "They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of ruined grandeur, the magnificent a.s.sociations, seem too much for one to grasp. Tell me, oh tell me, Mr. Dunk, what did _you_ think of it all?"

_Mr. Dunk_ (_deliberately, after considering awhile_). "_Very_ nice!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Carry your trunk, sir?"]

A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women were beastly rude.

_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.

And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?

_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage (_mon pet.i.t chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old French beans.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE]