"I've decided to leave the area and go to Ohio."

Michael looked at his son, Benjamin, the lines on his forehead settling into a frown. "Why is that?" he asked. "You been drinking again, or maybe been fooling around with some woman and made her pregnant."

Benjamin's tone was rather civil in spite of his anger at his father's comments. "What'd you mean by that?"

Michael continued to stack the pine lodge poles, ignoring Benjamin's question.

"Your comment is really out of line," Benjamin said.

Michael glanced across the stack of wood. "I don't think so," he said. "You're standing around doing nothing around here most of the time."

Benjamin's anger was building. He ran his hand through his hair, about ready to turn and walk away, but something held him there; a need to confront and get it out in the open. Too many years of putting up with his father's ridicule and scorn.

"You very d.a.m.n well could be the reason I'm leaving. I'm tired of the way you treat me, the way you've always treated me. I've worked my b.u.t.t off around here for you and then what kind of thanks do I get?"

"Thanks? Thanks for what? Thanks for causing your mother and me worry?"

"You're impossible. It never changes does it? And you're a liar and sneak, Dad. You ask me about my drinking and you're the one who has a bottle hidden in your office. Seems I gave it up and you picked it up."

Michael's eyes darkened dangerously and for a moment Benjamin thought he might be the target of the next lodge pole to be thrown onto the stack.

But he was not. Michael dropped the pole down hard and turned to pick up another. "Maybe it best you do move on," he said, his eyes averted from his son.

"You'd love that, wouldn't you? You never wanted me around, admit it. I was never good enough for you, never good enough as Silas, never cute enough as Henry, never-"

At the mention of his son, Silas, and his deceased son, Henry, Michael stood up stiff, and moved in a flash toward his son, grabbing Benjamin by the shirt at his chest. "Don't you ever, ever say that about Henry again! You hear me!" He was in a rage and Benjamin grabbed his wrists trying to loosen his shirt from his father's hands but Michael shoved him backward, throwing him into another wood stack as he let go.

The impact knocked the wind from Benjamin for a moment and then his fury took over as he got up and went after his father, but Michael saw him coming and threw his fist into Benjamin's face, knocking him again to the ground. As he hit the ground he grabbed Michael's foot bringing him down onto his b.u.t.tocks.

Benjamin struggled to stand, realized his face was moist, and wiped his hand across and saw blood. And when he saw blood, in that same moment, he saw something else that he understood for the first time.

He swung at his father, hitting him in the shoulder knocking him off balance and into the wood stack. But Michael wasn't giving up. He came at Benjamin again. Benjamin grabbed him by both shoulders and held him at bay. He looked him directly in the eyes and said, "It's Henry, isn't it? That's why you've hated me! It's Henry!"

"d.a.m.n you! Stop it, stop it," Michael yelled, his voice cracking with emotion. "Don't say his name! d.a.m.n you!"

Benjamin's mind went back to that day years ago when he was playing with his younger brother, Henry, chasing him and then having fun in the old pond. And then it all ended as Henry disappeared under water and Benjamin yelled out, then dove into the water frantically trying to find his little brother in the murky water. He dove down, again and again, and then he knew it was too late. His father, Michael, had also jumped into the water, and he found Henry, pulled his limp body to sh.o.r.e, but the life force had left the young boy. It was a day Benjamin never wanted to remember, but obviously a day his father had never forgotten.

And again like that day years ago, Michael dropped to his knees in defeat, sobs quaking his body, as he surrendered to the intense pain he had carried with him for a long time. He cried out in anguish, "Dear Lord, forgive me ... forgive me!"

Benjamin stood over him, and for only a moment he felt victory, but his anger drained away and was quickly replaced by compa.s.sion. He reached out and put his hand on his father's shoulder. He remained silent as he allowed his father his grief.

Chapter Fifty-one: Choices.

Alexander was first to rise from the supper table. He said, "Catherine, thank you for a scrumptious supper. If you ladies excuse me I will go out to the porch for a smoke."

Catherine smiled. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, Alex. We'll have dessert in a bit. You men just go out and relax. We'll call you when it's ready."

"Good enough," he replied.

Daniel stood up and pushed his chair under the table as he said to William, "Let's join Alexander and enjoy the summer evening cool down."

The three men went out to the porch leaving Catherine, Madeline, and Sadie to clean up supper dishes, but not before William also thanked Catherine for a great meal.

The hot August sun was lowering on the horizon and the welcome early evening breeze had arrived.

William said, "This summer heat has not been to my liking."

Alexander, striking a match over the bowl of his pipe, puffed a few times then said, "You miss Virginia, William?"

"Not really, I like it here. And if this is where Madeline wants to be, then it is where I want to be."

Alexander laughed and looked at Daniel. "Hey Dan, it sounds like the officer here loves your daughter."

Daniel chuckled. "I'm getting that idea" he said.

Alexander had a thoughtful look.

Daniel asked, "What's on your mind, Alex?"

"I was talking with Elizabeth Jane the other day and she told me Silas had asked what we thought about Mr. Lincoln and the nomination. He's all for it and wondered what all of us felt."

Daniel said, "I'm all for it. Let's keep Abe in there. It would be bad news to have General McClellan beat out our President. The Democrats have their anti-war platform promising to end the war and negotiate with the Confederacy, but h.e.l.l, who can trust George McClellan. News has it that Lincoln didn't even trust him as a leader and relieved him of duty. That says a lot about the man."

Alexander spoke up. "Well the General is not a good choice to lead the Union but he sure as h.e.l.ls bells is better than that d.a.m.n Copperhead martyr Clement Vallandigham. He should've stayed in Canada or in prison. His peace plank was a bunch of bulls.h.i.t at the Convention there in Chicago and it's a good thing some of those Dems had some good sense to keep him out of the runnin'."

"You said it, Alex. That would've been big trouble if he got the nomination over General McClellan," William commented.

Alexander nodded. "Sure thing. I ain't worried though, as I think Mr. Lincoln will walk away with the election come fall. Then the war should come to an end before long. I suppose I should pen Silas a few words and let him know my thoughts on Mr. Lincoln, beings he's interested."

"Where's Silas at about now?" William asked.

"Last I knew he was in Louisiana," Alexander offered. "Any news of James, Daniel?"

"Haven't heard much from him but I think last we did hear he was somewhere in Georgia," Daniel replied. "His mother gets nervous when time goes by and no letters."

William said, "He's probably working at taking Atlanta down."

Alexander asked, "Think they'll do it."

"The odds are pretty good the Union will do it before long," William replied.

Alexander told them, "Silas wrote me about the traitor that was shot in front of about five thousand troops, two batteries and some cavalry. He had heard they were gonna march out to see him shot to death. The man was from the Ohio 32nd, deserted the Union army at Shiloh and went to the Rebs and gave them all the information he could, concerning the Union. Silas heard he'd married a Rebel major's daughter and he gave him twenty-five thousand dollars. Some say he was captured bushwhacking and others said he was enlisted as a teamster for the Union and was smuggling ammunition to the Rebels."

"He's not the first traitor shot," William said.

Alexander nodded and replied, "And not the last. But Silas said though the man had five different bounties from the U.S. and deserved it, he said he never wanted to see a man executed again."

Daniel commented, "Well, the generals figure it's a lesson for the boys, to show them that being a traitor to the Union don't pay." Then he glanced at William and his voice was almost apologetic as he added, "Didn't mean to imply that 'cause you deserted or that my daughter was a traitor to the Confederates and arrested ... uh...d.a.m.n ...." The terrorizing reality washed over him. He was thoughtful a moment and then said, "I hadn't thought about the extreme danger she had been in, both of you, and Sadie, too. Thank the Lord you made it out of Virginia and brought our daughter home to us." He looked away from William, his eyes moist. "I will always be grateful, William," he said with quiet emphasis.

Chapter Fifty-two: Truth.

Suddenly all pleasure of spending a few minutes in the company of Benjamin left Lucinda as his words sunk in. "You can't go away, you can't leave!" Lucinda said, trying to hide her panic and grief.

"It's best, Lucinda," he said.

"No, it's not," she argued. "Your family is here." She was feeling panic, a sense of desperation, her mind running wildly with reasons he had to stay, and yet not saying why she wanted him near and not hundreds of miles away where she may never see him. Adding to her disappointment were guilt feelings. After all, she was a married woman and had no right to ask a man to just be there, just in case. That wasn't fair to Benjamin and she knew that, but the alternative was too painful to think of.

"I know, but it is time to move on, to get on with my life," he replied. "Get settled somewhere."

She was grabbing at everything she could think of except what she knew to be the truth. "If you don't like working at the mill, why not do something else?"

"It's okay, it's not that," he said. "Actually, you might be happy to hear I've worked things out some with my father."

"You have?"

"Yes, I found out he has blamed me for the death of my little brother all these years. He finally acknowledged that was what was wrong between us."

"You weren't responsible, were you?"

"No. Sometimes it felt that way. And apparently it did for him all these years."

"Oh Benjamin, I'm so sorry, for both of you," she said with sincerity. She studied his face a moment then asked, "If things are better between you, then you don't have to leave again, do you?"

He shrugged then turned away from her and took a few steps around the school room and then suddenly turned back with harsh words. "Don't you get it, Lucinda? It's you, dammit. I have to go!"

His words of truth shocked her and she was speechless as she saw the pain on his face and felt the knot in her own stomach and she began to tremble.

"I will be leaving tomorrow," he said. "I wanted you to know before someone else told you."

Sorrow was weighing her down and she could not find words to say. The silence between them was awkward.

She saw the clinching of his jaw and the painful expression in his eyes as he watched her. Then he said, "I'll be going to Ohio, not sure where, but I hope to land there somewhere."

Finally she spoke up with a question, one she feared the answer to. "You're not going to the army, are you?"

He shook his head. "No, don't want to and I hope they don't want me."

Relief swept over her. "Thank goodness," she said quietly. She moved away from him and sat on the edge of her desk, casting her gaze downward. "I guess you have to do what you have to do," she said.

"I do," he said.

When she looked up she saw a defeated man, and she knew this was as painful for him as it was for her. She wanted to cry out, I love you, but forced the three words to silence deep within her.

He moved toward her, pulled her to her feet and into his arms. She rested her cheek against his shoulder, and it seemed like an eternity before he said, his voice husky and heavy, "I'll miss you, Lucinda. You take care of yourself."

Finally they broke their hold on each other, and their eyes locked, neither breaking the gaze. And in the same moment they both moved and found the other's welcoming mouth, and all their pain and pa.s.sion was there in the one kiss. When they broke the kiss they both had tears. As he let her go, he said, "I love you Lucinda, I always have, I always will."

Lucinda reached out and softly touched his face, "I know, Benjamin, I know," she said. Her voice was a whisper as she added, "I'll miss you."

He turned and walked out the schoolhouse door, shutting it behind him, and Lucinda dropped to the wood floor and cried, just as she had another time, only this time it was because she had just lost the love of her life, for the second time.

Somehow Benjamin was able to walk away from the schoolhouse without turning back or even looking back, as painful as it was. His heart ached for her and he knew it always would.

As he went to bed that night he had such a restless feeling that he knew sleep would not come easily. He thought about the past, the night they met, the music as he held her in his arms on the dance floor, and all the good times they had in Chicago.

Finally, falling into a deep sleep, he began to dream of her. Lucinda was twirling and twirling, her full dress moving in rhythm to her body movements, her long blonde hair moving beautifully around her glowing face. And before long the twirling dancing suddenly stopped and then he was picking her up from the floor of the schoolhouse after her attack and rape, her clothes torn and tattered, her hair matted to the wet tears of her face, and he cried out, awakening from the terror of the dream that had turned into a nightmare.

He sat up in bed, and for a moment wished he had a shot of whiskey to take away the pain. The pain had become so familiar to him, the pain he was learning to live with, and the pain he did not want to forget because if he did, that would mean he was over Lucinda.

And that was not what he wanted.

Ever.

He wondered if Lucinda's sleep was any better than his. Was she, too, in pain, and had dreams brought darkness and unhappiness.

The next morning Benjamin went to his parent's home to tell them goodbye. After a hearty breakfast that Rachel delighted in cooking for him, he got up to say his goodbyes and to leave.

Rachel said to her son, "Benjamin, you take care of yourself and you promise now you will write to us and let us know how you are and where you are."

"I will, Mama, I promise. Don't you worry about me, I'll be just fine."

Michael had been rather quiet throughout breakfast and Benjamin had wondered if he had told his wife about the anger and grief he had buried for years. He soon found out as his father said, "I told your Mama about the blame I had put on you, son, and how sorry I was."

Benjamin cast a quick glance at his mother and she gave him a nod of approval and a smile.

"I'm glad you did, Pop. You've been carrying that with you a long time and it has done none of us any good."

"You're right, and I'm so sorry. I wish I could do it over."

Benjamin said, "I guess we all have things we wish we could do over. That's life, huh?"

Michael reached out his hand for a shake but Benjamin took his father's wrist and pulled him, giving him a hug. Michael did not resist but went with it and then patted Benjamin on the shoulder as they broke the embrace. "You take good care of yourself, Benjamin."

"Thanks, Pop. You take care of Mom, too."

Benjamin gave his mother a kiss and hug. "I've got to get going as I still have to stop and say goodbye to Pap. I'm going to miss him, too.